cd3 - day one femara

I can't wait until 1:30 tomorrow! I'll miss the money for the week and a half (I picked up extra shifts for jan 2,3,4 - thank goodness). Yay for holidays!
So I took my first femara for this cycle, and now my stomache is upset. That's didn't happen last time, aww well. AF has been kind; shhhh lets not say that too loud she might hear me!
I'm in the middle of making cupcakes for the potluck for tomorrow. It was requested I bring deserts, so I've come up with vinilla/chocolate swirl cupcakes with vanilla icing and little candy santa's for the topper. I'm going to pick up some little timbits to and spread them around on the platter as well... hope that'll do.
Well, take care everyone.
TTYL
XOXO

cd2

So, apparently this will be a no IUI cycle due to the holidays... what do I say about that? BAAAA HUMMMMBUG! We've decided to try ooooh natural, of course with a little help from our Femara friend. Maybe a little New Year luck will help us out! Ya never know.
Work decided to shut down an extra day early this week, so I have 1.5 days left, waaaahoooo, yippppeeeee, yahoooo! I can't wait to get some time away from there LOL. Big potluck dinner and draws on wednesday. Then I come home to a day and a half of house cleaning and christmas dinner preperations. We got our turkey today, it's a 20lb'er! It's HUGE! I'm getting excited now lol.
Carolling went well today, it was heart warming with the pleasant reactions we rec'd from the residents at the home. Then we went to Timmies (The coffee gods here in Canada lol), the supervisor gave us a gift card to grab a coffee and treat aferwards.
Well, I gotta go for now. I'm sleeeeepy!

TTYL
XOXO

CD1

Well, here I am, back at the start... AF hasn't been so bad yet... at least it came quickly, it helps for moments like this where I think about the failed IUI. At least I have the new cycle to concentrate on.
I'm going to call the Dr.'s office tomorrow to let them know I'll be in Tuesday for cd3 blood work. I also want to ask if we are increasing femara from 2.5 mg's to 5mg's. Also have to check if I take it the same days 3-7.
I think I'm going to take some new 'pretty pictures' this week sometime as I know it helps with feeling better. Get all dolled up and pretend I'm a beautiful plus size model LOL.
Things are busy right now which is good. Family will be coming saturday for xmas dinner, so cleaning and getting ready for that is my chore for the week. I'm hoping it goes well... My older brother is bringing his new female friend (not sure if they're actually an item yet) to dinner. She seems nice, very quiet. It would be nice to see him happy, and have a successful relationship. He deserves to be happy.
I can't wait to pick up my niece and nephew friday, they're staying over night for the family xmas saturday.
I feel like I've gained weight, I want to lose it... lol. I DON'T WANT IT!! So Off I go to find new things to eat and munch on, but I'm thinking it won't happen until after dinner saturday.
Well, we got dumped on today here... tons of snow. It looks like the brunt of it is over thank goodness, although we still have snowsquall warnings in effect.
Tomorrow I go carolling with my co-worker to a local nursing home... I suggested it about a month ago and everyone seemed to be up for it. So a few of us planned it together and tmorrow's the day. I also got a food drive going as well. I still have to bring my food in, which reminds me I should get some stuff tomorrow for that.
I also did the holiday baking with my friend Brandi, I had fun... here's some pic's of what we baked...
Shortbread cookies, mmmm!



Eggnog Cookies - this was a first. They're a little spicey (nutmeg and cinnaman), but very yummy! I'm impressed!


Here's the Recipe I used...
Egg Nog Cookies
2 1/4 cups flour

1 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp ground cinnamon

1/2 tsp ground nutmeg

1 and 1/4 cups white sugar

3/4 cups salted butter, softened

1/2 cup eggnog

1 tsp pure vanilla extract

2 large egg yolks

1 Tbsp ground nutmeg


Preheat oven to 300 degrees. Combine flour, baking powder, cinnamon, and nutmeg. Mix well with wire whisk and set aside. Cream sugar and butter with electric mixer until forms a grainy paste. Add eggnog, vanilla, and egg yolks and beat at medium speed until smooth. Add flour mixture and beat at low speed just until combined -- do not over mix! Drop by rounded teaspoonfuls onto un-greased baking sheets -- 1 " apart. Sprinkle lightly with nutmeg. Bake for 23-25 minutes or until bottoms turn light brown -- transfer to cool, flat surface immediately.

No-Bake Oatmeal chocolate cookies, mmm YUM!



The peanut butter balls dipped in Chocolate, these were all Brandi, my gawd they're yummers!



This is what the platter looked like afterwards, they include peanut butter, chocolate chip, sugar cookies, rice crispie squares, short bread, and no bake cookies. I'm going to save it all for our family Christmas dinner saturday!



This is Gypsy outside during our snowstorm today, she had a blast.

beta test...

Came back negative. I kinda knew it would, but it doesn't make it any easier. I've stopped 'leaking' from my eyes (haha) for now... so I'm not going to type much right now, although later I'll probably have a huge blog about how I'm feeling. For now, thanx again for all the well wishes and support throughout this cycle... I guess we wait for AF and start all over again.
I am presently nursing a blatter infection... at least the cranberry David got was yummy juice!

TTYL
XOXO

uuhhh boy!

Tomorrow's the day I find out... I've had cramps most the day today... I told David that no matter how much he begs me not to test; if we have to go through this again I'm purchasing pee sticks. I can't go through this again. I promise I would do I once with no home tests, but today I told him never again. I would rather be disapointed at home first then get it confirmed by the dr's office. I should be in bed as I have to get up extra early to go get tested (if AF still isn't here). I just can't seem to calm myself enough to sleep... eventually I'll run out of things to clean and such. lol And I won't have a choice but to sleep.
I celebrated all day when I went to the washroom and there was no AF, but then I chewed on it and wished that if she's destined to come then I wish she would just be here now to save me the embarassment of tomorrow! I don't think I've argued with myself this much in ages! hehe My nerves are shot entirely!
Mum may be coming home tomorrow, seems early but that's what they do these days... get ya in, get ya out and get the next person in... Damn gov't and there cutbacks and such.
I have to talk to the Dr. about my blood sugar levels and taking met or something to even them out as I've had sugar crashes at least 3 times today. I eat regularily, cause I know I have too, but my body is getting sleepy from the ups and downs. The last few days have been bad for crashes. I'll mention it tomorrow while I'm getting my blood sucked hehe.

Alright Ladies, I'll let ya know either way tomorrow what's going on. Thanks for all the well wishes!

TTYL
XOXO

Well...

Mum seems to be doing well, she's frustrated because she's dizzy and she has to many thing plugged into her, and she's sleepy. I did my best to nicely tell her that she just went through surgery!
No AF yet, this is good. I'm really getting to be obssesive now. Watching every little thing that happens with my body.
Today after I ate lunch, about ten minutes later I had a lot of gas and movement in my intestines(what a gross word LOL)... what an odd/scary feeling. Sometimes I feel food digesting, but today was NUTS. I've had diarrhea a couple time the last two days, which is odd. I didn't eat anything that would cause it. I've had cramping again today, early this evening, but its like a dull burning cramping sensation, so I dunno.
To be honest I'm tired of waiting and wondering. I'de like to know! This 2ww thing is for the birds man! It really does make you feel crazy doesn't it? Oh, speaking of which, I had a lot of big mood swings today too. Breasts around my nipples are sore.
Why can't their be a tell tale early pregnancy sign? lol.
David doesn't see the point in me purchasing a p-test tomorrow as I go for beta on friday... I don't think he understand what its like to be in my head right now. He actually got a little frustrated with me because I suggested I may buy a test tomorrow... it actually made me feel like crying right there. (There's one of those mood swings).
y blood sugars are all of as well, and when I need to eat I'm ravenous! My blood sugar almost crashed twice today alone, and yesterday as well...
Man I have a feeling that if I am going to get AF, she's gunna kick my butt all over the place again this time. I'm not looking forward to that. But I will have some holiday egg nog and irish creammmmmmmmm. If I am prego I'll still have some egg nog hehe.
Well, I'm of for tonight, take care all!

TTYL
XOXO

Mum n stuff

Mum did excellent with her surgery. The Dr was happy with everything, and she is happily pushing the trigger button on her morphine LOL. She's really funny when she's all hopped up lol. It was a long day, but they removed the cancer and sent it away to be analized. We still have her right lung to do, but that one, even the Dr. isn't sure what to do. So we'll count our Christmas blessings so far! Thanx to everyone for helping to keep me stable, and thanx again for all your positive vibes and thoughts/prayers and blessings.

On the IUI front. I have an iron type taste in my mouth, and I freaquented the bathroom a lot today (although I believe it was nerves as that's how I get when my nerves are shot). I still have a swollen type feeling in centre of my abdomin. I had some cramping today but not so heavy. Still no AF. That about does it!

Gotta go as am really very tired. Thanx again girls, if it wasn't for you leaving your messages I don't know what I'de do.

TTYL
XOXO

well its 11dpiui... I think lol

All the days are merging together. It's 11dpiui I believe, if I include the day of the iui as 1dpiui LOL. Anyways. I had cramping all day today, and a swelly fullness in my abdomin. My breasts are tender and full... All symptoms of AF... so I dunno. There's my update for today. I really wish it was pregnancy symptoms, but I dunno. We'll see.
Thanx for your positive thoughts and blessings!

TTYL
XOXO

a low moment...

I am having a rather low moment. Right now, it feels like nothing good is going to come this week. I dunno if its hormones, or just stress, but feel really negative about everything.
I am so worried that mum's not going to do well, and that this cycle is a bust. I am worried our family xmas will suck cause of family disputes over certain things (that's an entire blog on its own), and mum's health.
Dad was on me today about me picking him up for her surgery... YA WHATEVER! The stress of that coupled with the surgery would definatly kill her! He's so self driven, he says "I don't want to sit here alone, come pick me up...". He's 30 minutes away and mum's got to be at hopsital for 7:45am... not gunna happen! He would make the entire day about himself... screw that! (he had a stroke 7 yrs ago and is not such a nice person anymore, and its all about him him him, grrrrrr. He's living in a nursing home in woodstock where I grew up).
We are broke right now too. We're hoping to be able to pay all the bills next month. David is off work for 3 wks, and I'm off for 2 wks (for xmas)... talk about broke. I don't even think we can afford the iui next month because of the lack of paychecks we'll be getting. We have other bills to pay, ect... so that's not helping either. Having to possibly skip a month.

I feel gassy and moody, and I'm friggin sick and tired of thinking about my period and the 2ww! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. I think my head is going to explode and I feel like I want to break down. I wanna goto bed and not get out until tuesday morning for mum's surgery. I don't want to face the a$$holes on the phone at work tomorrow... I am dreading it all! Ya know I was fine this morning then all of a sudden my mood changed to depression, I felt it come across me like a wave, it was nuts... I haven't been able to shake it I guess.

Does everyone go thru this hell during their 2ww? Gawwwwwwwwwwd!

Okay, I'm going to bed. Hopefully tomorrow I'll wake up in a better mood. Take care all.

TTYL
XOXO

cd 27, 9dpiui

So as you see above, we're slowly getting there. AF symptoms should be starting anytime (thoeretically). I wanted to dye my hair this week, and I actually painted my nails red red red, usually when I do things like that, its a tell tale sign that af is sure to be on her way. We'll see.
My mother has surgery tuesday to remove a cancerous spot in her left lung. She has it in her right lung as well, but they'll have to open her right up for that one. So they wanted to get the 'easy' one out of the way first (we're actually not sure what's going to happen with that one ). They're doing lazer surgery to remove the spot on tuesday. We're hoping she is okay. She's pretty weak already, this is her third surgery in 5 yrs for this cancer that keeps growing back. We're hoping she makes it through okay, Please send your prayers and blessings if you have a minute.
So I may or may not be online after tomorrow for a day or so. I'll try and drop a quick note to let everyone know how it went. *crossing fingers*
Hoping all is well.

TTYL
XOXO

tomorrow is 7dpiui

So, here we are on almost 7dpiui, and I'm wanting to test! Yay me, a milestone has been passed! haha. Everyone is encouraging me to wait as they don't want me to get depressed (they don't understand what's been going through my mind, but bless their hearts for their concern).

How have I been?
In turmoil emotionally (not so happy, but very swingy)... bloaty, incredibly bloaty, and my gawd I can't stop eating which makes me feel worse cause I feel even more bloated! Although that seems to be passing a bit. I am starting to feel like myself a bit more. I don't know if that's such a good thing or not. I had more cramping today... and I have been "bunged up" (sorry, I know TMI, and that's thankfully ending now as well). Every now and again it'll feel like I have o'ing twinges and such. I've had a little cramping each day still. My thermometer is broken (it busted this morning somehow, go figure cause I just started a fertility friend chart online... lovely! So I can't even get any hints that way now.). I've had small headaches during the day every day, but I don't know if that's just my nerves from my emotions swinging or not. When I showered tonight I noticed the purple colored viens in my breasts were really promonent... that must be the hcg shot as well... cause that happens apparently to a lot of women. Damn shot! I think that's about it really. It's now all become a little torturous!
My friends (the parents to our GodDaughter), their parents own a pharmacy, so I'll be purchasing pregnancy tests from them at cost *grin*. Dave doesn't want me to test either, as he doesn't want me to obssess, well its starting now anyways, I'm well on my way! I probably won't test until after sunday at the very least (that's when the hcg shot should have left my system, and it can take 5-10 days to inplant as well).
I'm scared... honest to God I'm scared... lots of hesitation because I absolutley dread another negative test after all this. I know everyone says that, but I also know you all understand what I'm saying! I'll be just heart sick if its negative. I'll feel really bad for David...

So Gypsy is doing well. We're trying the seperation thing now, crate training at night is going beautifully, last night she stayed the entire night in her crate! We're very happy about that. Tonight I put her in her crate and ran to the bank, when I left she was crying, when I came back she was crying every now and again (I waited outside for a few minutes to listen), but overall I think it went well. Tomorrow she has a 3 hour window of being alone as David is working a 13 hour shift, and I leave at 8am, he won't be home until 10:30-11am... here's to hoping it goes well!

This is Gypsy in the sweater I made her...





Take care all!
XOXO

CD18 = iui

So we did it! We had our first IUI! It went well. The nurse that did it was awesome, she explained everything in detail and even laughed when we made our jokes. She gave us a bit of a 'pep' talk while I laid down for the 15 minutes afterwards... talking about failed attempts and successful ones. She said we need to allow ourselves a 'bad day'if it shows negative results... she also said that if the results were positive that they worry doesn't stop there for most women who have been ttc like us, the worry changes to it being a 'sticky' pregnancy... she was so nice, and so very realistic. I even hugged her lol. I cried of course as she said dave had 27.5 mil. sperm, with good mobility (specially after the spa treatment they rec'd), my folly was at 25mm, and lining at 11. She said I produced a nice egg (maybe the blood work showed her that). So all that good news, coupled with finally being there for the IUI was rather emotional. She said it was okay and it was a very emotional thing, IUI.
I had cramping most of that day, the day after that I had more cramping, not so heavy, and a tiny bit yesterday and today... getting less and less freaquent. My breasts are sore, And it looks like they've gotten bigger, only one bra fits right now... its crazy! My boobs are popping out all over the place... baggy sweaters, that's all I've got to say LOL... oh and a control top hehe. And I've had a headache off and on sinse the proceedure.
I've been moody, but it seems to be getting worse as time progresses, of course it could subconciously be the 2ww. I've had heart burn off and on... I looked up over the internet that it can take 10 days for the effects of the ovidrel to wear off, so I'm quit sure that's what all this is! But the moodiness is getting to me, and probably David too.
I thought a little bit about the results, will it or won't it work... but I've been to busy with the puppy to really think about it in depth. I'm not excited at all to test, actually on the contrary I dread it. I think I've actually already resigned to the fact that it didn't work... its sad really, I thought I would have a bit of excitement but I don't really. And that's what ticks me off the most about going through all this. Infertility sucks at time like these; Not even looking forward to the possiblity of it working. I've started thinking about how to tell everyone that the first try was a failure... *shaking head* oi-vay! I know, I know, its too early to tell. Abd ya never know until the test comes back! Although really there were a lot of twinges and little jerks in my abdomin, cramping, ect, nothing really felt extra special. And there was no spotting at all. My temp is ranging between 97.1-97.6, so no real changes there. I did miss a few mornings, but over all I don't see a real difference. My appetite is rediculous! All I want to do is eat, which isn't good. Damn hormones lol.
The experience was a good one, at least I know what to expect for next time! Maybe I'm pregnant, maybe I'm not. I guess we'll wait the two weeks and find out *smiles*. It would be really nice to be a positive test, because IUI's involve a lot of running back and forth to the office, and stress of numbers (LOL), but the science of it really does increase the chances of becoming pregnant! Its worked for many many women, and others it hasn't. Hopefully I'm one of the 'lucky'ones. :)
I'll drop a line in the next few days. Maybe I'll feel a bi more positive about things, hopefully I get a little exicted by the end of my 2ww. Take care all!

TTYL
XOXO

cd 17, tomorrows the day!

Well I just labelled dh's bottle so we know noone will get confused lol. Up and at em early tomorrow to get this thing done! Woohoo!
Tonight dh and I were at walmart getting a card and printing some pics of Gypsy off. (The card is for the lady who we are adopting Gypsy from. I'm writing her a letter from 'Gypsy", and putting a couple cute pic's in the envelope.). During our card search I started getting cramps and weird feelings in my abdomin. I whispered to david that I had started feeling different. Sometime between Walmart and home I got a heavy feeling and it's not gone away since... I am rather bloaty as well. I'm guessing this is all normal, so tomorrow will go smoothly. I have an abnormal amount of cm, I know tmi... but I figure this is part of ovulation ect.
Man I hope this works out.
On the way home I had 'a moment of clarity'... I actually for the very first time clued in that this might actually work... like really work... this may get me pregnant... what an odd perspective to take LOL. You get so used to trying this drug and trying that drug, and never actually expect it to work... well I took the same attitude this time as well... until my little 'momment'this evening. It was just such an odd feeling to think so drastically different hehe.
We'll see I guess! We'll see! 2ww, here I come!
I'll post about my iui experience at some point tomorrow night.
We get our little Gypsy tomorrow!!! We got her a couple toys, and her food/water dishes. I called the lady and setup the apointment for 3:30pm. It's going to be an emtoional roller-coaster tomorrow lol. But it'll be a really good day. I'm going to get to bed so it gets here faster. (I feel like a little kid at Christmas right now lol).
so Take care everyone and thanks again for the messages!

XOXO

An Eventful day for sure!! wow

Hi there.
So today I went for cd16 blood work, and I begged to question the hcg shot. I said that I didn't want to 'miss my chance' on this cycle and normally around this day they give the hcg shot. She said my numbers were looking good, and asked if I was sure I didn't want to see what my natural cycle was like. I said no, I want to have a good chance while the chance is there. So they gave me an u/s while I was there as well, my folly is at 25mm!!! I was like holy cow!! They said yes, you can have the shot if your lh surge hasn't occured, we'll call today to let you know. So I got my call, no LH surge, so here I go with the injection.
The injection here costs $95, David's insurance company said they don't cover anything for fertility. I went to get my perscription and asked her to run the card anyways just to check. The pharmacist said she could almost guarentee they wouldn't cover it if they said that; as ovidrel is used for fertility spesifically. She asked if I really wanted to run it because it would take an extra few minutes. I said yes please... thank God I did because it was the easiest 2 minutes of my life! We saved $95, it actually covered it!!! Yes I jumped up and down and twirled around with a little jig right there... of course everyone laughed but they were happy and so was David!!
So, 10-10:15 came along and man was I freaked out. I'm home alone and need to shoot up with this stuff, not having any experience like this I bucked up and did exactly what the nurse at the dr's office told me to do. Ignore the directions and do what she said, so I did LOL. Where I injected it is tender, but other than that I feel fine! Although I question the hot flash I'm going through it could be the shot, but I dunno. I've got the fan on so I'm good, lol.
Sooooooo. So we go on friday morning to get our very first IUI!! 9:45am! Í am so relieved to know when it's going to happen!! I can't even put it into words hehe.

There's more to my day! So the Dr finally reviewed my cd3 blood work and found that my TSH and 3T4 blood workups were ellivated, which could mean a thiroid problem... which could explain a lot!! So I go tomorrow and get those tests re-done. If this IUI doesn't work, at least I'll have something to keep my mind busy lol. I am happy that they may be able to pinpoint my issue though, specially if the IUI doesn't work.

~~~~~~~~

Okay, so I've found that my nerves and emotions are running rampid. I feel like I've been on speed (although I've never done the drug, so I'm not saying this first hand lol). I feel like I'm going 100000 miles a minute. I have many many super energy busts throughout the day. I am all up and down with the emotions, and my brain is working overtime. I have moments where I am totally stressed out! Like to the point of having a panic attack, and it seems to be getting more intense daily. I'm guessing that's the estrogen LOL. Then I get all hyper and happy the next minute. I feel so screwed up in my head. I am totally not the normal 'calm' Jenn. I have to take deep breaths and calm myself down... I guess I'm doing the best I can for myself. At least by the time I am prego I'll be used to the ups and downs, and I'll be able to deal with them better lol.

~~~~~~~~~

So David is stressed out! I haven't actually seen him this stressed ever. Now this time of year has always been hard for him, he lost a very important person when he was a child (theresa, she taught him to read, she was a student teacher when he was a child and she passed away during the time she was teaching him. Every year he gets sad at this time). But now the normal blues coupled with his mother's passing is stressing him out too. This time last year is when she got really really sick and started the last bit of her journey, so its hard for everyone, specially his father, brother and himself. Jan 17th will be the one year anniversary of her death. He's reliving his fathers accident as well, being a parapoligic (sp) and getting through that. Now all that would have been easier to deal with if we didn't have all the stress of the IUI. But we are both very greatful for this stress, because really its the good kind... really LOL. But I think it's just compounding because we've been waiting for the IUI date. Now that we know it, things will calm down a bit (we hope). I feel bad because I can't do anything accept tell him we'll be successful at one point and to try and take deep breaths.
So we started joking around about the sperm wash ect, changing lyrics from the song car wash"to "sperm wash"lol. It's our new theme song lol. So at lesst we're still smiling.:) I hope he's okay at work tonight. I honestly never thought that he would get tis stressed about the IUI, but we have never been through it before so its all new to us both.
The nurse said today that IUI's are stressful and with what we've been through with the other two dr's, she totally understand where we're coming from... its good to hear that from them. at least we know they understand.

Oooohhh so many thoughts and the time is late and I am freakin tired. I should goto bed as the next couple days are going to be busy. so take care and thankyou very much for your words of encouragement, they mean soooooo much right now!

XOXO

CD15 experience...

Today is day 15. Had more blood work done, apparently no LH surge yet as I didn't get the call for IUI tomorrow... so I go back for more blood work. Here were my levels.

One folly -RO = 16mm, cd13

E2 levels = cd11 - 123, cd13 - 325, cd14 - 469
LH levels = cd11 - 10.8, cd13 - 6.1, cd14 - 5.7

Now, seeing as this is my first IUI, I have a few questions for those with experience... why is LH dropping and E2 rising... anyone else with numbers like this? Is this normal? I am waiting for my surge, and am worried it won't happen as today is cd15, tomorrow cd16. I don't want to miss out on the window of taking an hcg injection, the nurse said they don't normally give it first time out anyways... but I'm still asking for it tomorrow if my numbers still show no surge... first IUI or not, this is the closest I've ever come to getting pregnant lol.

Hormonal Experience:
Today they took 5 viles of blood - said it was for testing for hiv ect. I let her take it of course, apparently its law. So then I leave the office and am driving to work and my brain starts working with the hormones going through my body and I went into a full blown panic attack by the time I got to work. I called David and told him he needed to go get his blood taken for the tests; he knew I was upset so he went straight to the dr's office. He talked to the nurse and asked why we had to take the test, advised that I was a little upset and worried and explained why (due to the history of diapointment after disapointment with ttc). He knew I was worried that there was something wrong and that's why they were taking these tests (although I know I don't have HIV or aids, or anything to worry about that way). Its funny, even just the mention of the possibility really makes you think. Anyways, so the nurse explained to Dave about the tests, and he called me at work to let me know everything was okay. I laugh now, but it really wasn't funny earlier. after thinking about things, coupled with my hormones, I had gotten myself all worked up. She was apologetic with David and said I can ask her anything and she'll give me her best educated answer! I feel better now, but man; hormones suck LOL. Tomorrow is gunna be embarassing when I go to get my blood drawn. lol, awww well!

I hope I get my surge soon, I really don't want to lose my opportunity for this cycle.

Hoping for my surge,
TTYL
XOXO

cd14, more blood, my arms are sore!

So they took more blood today. Yesterdays blood readings were right on score! She was happy with that. Hoping that todays blood work keeps doing the same. I have been taking my temp in the morning as well, it seems to be between 96.6-96.8 f. My left arm just kills when she takes the blood out now, so I'm gunna get her to try the right arm again... see if it'll give blood as it didn't the last time she tried.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, it was a doomed day fom the beginning lol. I found out it will cost $1300 to fix my car (thank the vehicle God's we have the van), mum's surgery is set for dec 11th... it's a scope to remove the cancer in her left lung (third operation). The we worry about the right lung. Our family xmas dinner is the 22nd of dec, I hope she's at least well enough to come for dinner... she talks so negativley about the operation, I am trying to reassure her that a scope is a lot less invasive than what she's been through. But I can only do so much, it's just hard to hear her talk the way she does. I'll be seeing her after work tomorrow, gunna spend a little time with her and grab the crate for the puppy, and she wanted to buy Gypsy her little doggy bed, so we're gunna go do that. I'll have to stop by friday with gypsy so she can see her... we have a lot of stops to make on friday after we get her lol. She's gunna be a much loved puppy. :)

Well tomorrow is going to be a better day, I just know it. I'll wake up on the right side of the bed and everything. I hope to get the commission on a big sale I had at work a month ago, and hope to get the confirm of another big sale tomorrow as well, so we'll see. It would be good for xmas gifts and such.

Looks like we'll be doing some car shopping over the next little while. Man we always have so much going on lol. At least life isn't dull right?

Well, take care for now all.

XOXO

P.s. below I've added an updated pic of my Gypsy girl...

Day 13 monitor... and random ttc thoughts

Today I went in for day 13 monitoring, blood work and u/s. My little follie has grown to 16mm!!!!!!! My lining is 7.7!! We now await the LH surge...
Not that we're not extatic about the results today, but now I'm worried about surging and timing... one thing after another lol.
More blood work tomorrow, daily monitoring now. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. I am also dreading a the 2ww, aww well, we'll have the puppy to keep us busy. I just keep reminding myself that I'm thinking to far ahead, just one step at a time Jenn, no need to think about anything but the surge right now.

David and I had a really nice chat on the way to my brothers new place this weekend about what we're going through, and all the what if's we could think of. He says we'll just keep trying if it fails, and if its successful than that's really great. We talked about his mother and how we both wished she was still here so we could get her excited about our chances, ect. We cried. We talked about if it didn't work the first time and what we'de be like after if this doesn/doesn't work. He's already starting talking to the folly, (so have I, but shhh don't tell anyone LOL). I kinda wish he wouldn't cause I can't help but wonder what I'll be able to do with him or myself if it doesn't at least eventually work. I can handles my own reaction, but helping him through....Ooooooh so many thoughts and worries. But ya know what I'm greatful for? The chance to actually go through this, cause we never thought it was ever going to happen, or that we'd find a Dr that was so willing to help. I am also very greatful and lucky to have such a great hubby.
Our friends have been very supportive, as well as family. Everyone knows we're trying, as its our main goal... everyone's been great, I'm greatful for our loving friends and family.

The girls came on my bday weekend and helped to paint the 'spare room'. I finished the stripes tonight. My friend lent me her carpet cleaner so I'm going to take full advantage of it and clean the carpet in there tomorrow as well. Some of the white paint lines in between my colored ones chipped off when I removed the tape, so that has to be touched up in 3 spots, but other than that and the baseboards/window frame, the painting is almost done. It'll make a really pretty guest rm until the day comes that we do have a baby. At least now we have a nice place for the nieces and nephew to sleep when they stay as well.

Last night I had a dream that we went through the iui and the pregnancy test came back positive... lets hope that dream was prophetic lol.

Well I'm off to bed for the night, I have an early morning to see the vampy at the clinic tomorrow lol... Take care all.

XOXO

cd 10 experience...

Today I went for my cd10 monitoring... it was my first time. They tried drawing blood from the same arm as my day 3 blood work, and it didn't happen lol. So we got it from the other one, now I know why we have two arms instead of just one... lol.

I also had my first internal u/s... ya, that wasn't so bad, she was a good technician, I was surprised when I found out it was internal though lol. I have no abnormalities, and everything looks good, I have a number of smaller follies, but only one was 11mm.... BUT YAY ITS ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Grow little folly grow!! I go back sunday for more blood work and another u/s, hoping to get inseminated monday/tuesday. I asked about the HCG shot, she said they don't normally do it the first cycle of IUI, but she says ya never know. We'll know more about it on sunday.

My worries are that the folly won't grow... and it won't produce an egg... this is my present fear. But I am hoping it works out and we get to go ahead with everything. YAAAAAY!

K, that's my news!

XOXO

cd10

I go for cd10 blood work and u/s tomorrow... wish me luck! I'll post when I get results back!

Drug induced periods suck!

And without going into much detail... I went to work today for 1.5 hours and had to come home. Argh! Pain, unblelievable... although I did call the Dr's office and I go for blood work and U/S next thursday to start monitoring... I'm nervous and am trying not to get excited. It's so hard to not get excited. I don't want to fall hard if this doesn't work out on the first shot.
I am going to go eat something as I can't eat after 11pm for my blood work in the morning. Take care all!

WooHoo!

It starts! I go for blood work thursday and start taking femara that day as well, and the ball keeps rolling! I knew there had to be a reason why I was so flippy yesterday lol. Yay happy news! David doesn't know yet as I haven't seen him today because our shifts are screwed because of his 12 hr shifts, so I'm bummed about that, specially now... I wanna tell him so bad. He's gunna be so happy :). Wish me luck ladies! I pray that femara works...

TTYL

Warning: AF Rant.

Okay, so I'm going mental here... I can't stand waiting to get this started! Frig sakes! How long do I have to wait??? Friggin AF shows up every other time we don't want her to! Foooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooock. I'm about ready to flip out here... actually I think I am flipping out. I don't get it... I really don't. I just want to try this thing by the end of the month. I'de LOVE to have the possibility of getting a BFP by Xmas... even if it fails, I AT LEAST want a shot at this by the end of the month. FRIG.
Now I'm looking at my femara pills wondering if I'll EVER get to take them. And if I do, is the dose high enough to actually make me O? I guess I'm just having an emotional night or something, but I've about had enough of waiting. I have been waiting for 6 friggin years to get this close to our dream... WHY DO I HAVE TO WAIT EVEN LONGER? And it's not like I'm waiting to test for pregnancy... what's making me crazy is I'm waiting for AF!! Is this some sick joke? Gawd!!
I was walking through the dollar store today of all places, seen the baby stuff coupled with the christmas stuff and had to choke back tears! How sad is that? THE DOLLAR STORE! Gee, you can tell your obsessing when... so that made me angry that i couldn't even enjoy the xmas stuff.
I could go on and on, but I won't. I'm gunna head off for the night. ttyl

Empty Arms

So I was just going through one of my message boards and some posted a link to tearsandhope.com , and advised us to click on "Empty Arms". I did and wanted to share as I want to send this to everyone I know, but feel guilty for sending it... but every word of it is so true. I cried through the entire thing. They did a great job getting the message across about infertility. So share it if you'd like...

Yep, still waiting..

I'm still waiting for AF...

Had a good weekend. Got to see our puppy, she's doing good and had lots of kisses for her mommy *grins*. I can't wait to get her home.

DH and I also got some things for the house like plastic for the windows for the winter, some protective spray for our dining rm table set, it's mostly done but I ran out of paint so I'll pick more up this week to finish it off. I'll post a pick to show ya's how it looks.

It's my bday coming up this sunday. I got a gift from a friend early, its a cute gift. A wish book, you write your wish in it and apparently the book has a spell on it to make the wish come true. lol She smiled at me and said "I figured you could use that right about now!" we laughed. Its cool lol.

I'm having some friends over to paint the guest/nursery rm this friday, then off to karaoke. It'll be nice to have my close friends around. I'll be 32 so its kinda depressing.

All I really want for my birthday is to get this damn ball rolling, grrrrrr. Come on birthday faries... make my wish come true.

Take care for now ladies!

soooo...

I did some checking and it looks like provera can take upto 2 weeks before it kicks in *grumble grumble*.

On to better things...
David and I watched Mr. Brooks tonight, excellent movie! Two thumbs up from both of u! Should definatley check it out if you haven't already.

Well, I think that's all that's new...
Oh wait! I GOT A $1 raise at work!!! Yay me! lol. They said it was because I'm consitant and am always keeping things positive and helping everyone else stay positive. Its nice to be recognized for hard work for a change. I unfortunately can't post this anywhere else as people from work are attatched to my facebook and such, and it may cause some not so positive feelings lol. But I am happy, it feels good. I've never gotten that much of a raise before.

Well, I'm off for a hot shower to relax my nerves. Take care ya'll!

still waiting...

And that's all I have to say about that! GRRRRRRRRRRRR (I am truly dispointed thus far).

Thankyou kindly ladies for the links and support. I appreciate it!

Today I am feeling a little angry because my period hasn't come yet and I have no more provera to take, I hope AF shows soon... now there's something you don't hear very often. I am anxiously waiting to get thisjourney started... AND SHE ISN'T HERE YET! GRRRR! I'm looking at the callender and I want to be able to test prior to my family xmas on dec 22nd, but if AF don't show up in the next week I don't think that'll happen... I have that little glimmer of hope that we'll be able to make the 'big announcement'... we may not be able too, but still I can hope. Our families deserve a good christmas wish, we've all been thru our own hell with deaths and accidents and illnesses... we're due for some really GREAT news.
Speaking of which, we get our new puppy on december 1st, although I may try to talk her into letting us bring her home the night prior so we have the entire weekend with her before we start the work schedule. Anyways, i've included a pic of her...
The lady we're buying her from posted it on her facebook and the caption said 'Look at Gypsy waving at her mommy"or something like that, so I thought it was extra special cause I'll be her new mommy lol.

fear and anxiety

Well, the fear and anxiety are already starting, so is the negativity.

Fear & Anxiety = I'm afraid the the entire experience, or embarassed might be a better word. I am still waiting for AF to show, I am on day 4 with provera, hoping it'll kick in so I can get started then get the embarassing part over with. I also don't know if any of this is going to hurt, what side effects I'm going to have, and how I'm going to stay emotionally/mentally with it for the 2ww if all the numbers are good...
I have scowered google looking or online chats and personal experiences with IUI's... how the women who have been thru it felt during the entire experience but haven't found all that much so I'm dispointed... I'm probably not searching the right way. If you have any links, or suggestions for me please let me know.
Fertilizeme, reading your posts have helped a lot, so thanx for that!
I have joined a half a dozen new message boards, but am still not finding actual experiences, just successes and failures. That info is good to know, but I want to read about personal experiences, I am one of those people who need to know what to expect... I'm freaking out a little... nerves are all frigged up. I need to find people who have been on familiar ground...
I'm so scared of failure, so much failure in the last 6 yrs that it seems so inevitable... even now with my chances of becoming pregnant increasing by 13.5%. It's hard to stay positive when you don't want to work yourself up for 'the failure'at the end... but I want to anjoy the experience and take in every moment (I guess I am LOL). I want to be happy, and sometimes when I think about it... and that it may actually work I get a moment of bliss, then the negative thoughts start creeping in again.
I just really need to connect with other women who have been thru an IUI before... I know the proceedure isn't that big of a deal really, mostly embarassment, but still... what does it feel like? Does it hurt? What was femara like? How did ya get thru the 2ww. I guess I'll continue on looking for posts and such...

Nervously yours,
my.herstory

SOFT Clinic knocked my socks off!

I LOVE MY NEW DOCTOR!
We walked into the clinic, with dark thoughts of long waites and disapointing results looming in our thoughts. We opened the door to the clinic to find a nouvo art theme going on. It was beautiful...open, with statues and bodices of men and womens bodies, iron artwork of the same theme, some funky light fictures that cascaded from the walls, wood floors and leather comfy chairs! I was wondering if we were in the right place. Oh and did I mention there was noone waiting? NOONE! We registered with the friendly receptionist and joked around with the nurses out front... apparently we had just missed the normal rush of the day... they said 'Take a seat, the Dr. will be right with you", not even 5 minutes passed... maybe just long enough for us to have a good look at the decore... and there he was... the Dr! We were pleasently surpised!
The Dr., a very friendly man, gentle eyes and a kind disposition about him, invited us into his office; one wall covered in plaques and accomplishments, the other wall with some more wonderful artwork! His computer was see thru with shining blue lights, he had a small fountain on an artsy table, along with somemore small body art work. Of course the first thing I said to him was 'My gawd your office is lovely, the art work is beautiful', he simply smiled and said 'we enjoy it! We like to be interesting.' Well, 10 out of 10 there! LOL.
He is a very gentle man, straight to the point with the best 'bedside manor' I have ever encountered with a Dr. He was so relaxed, leaning comfortably in his chair as he wrote down some of our history. He asked the normal questions, how long have you been trying? What treatments have you had? Any operations... ect ect. We explained to him the problems we've had with previous dr's. How our first RE said I was to fat to get an IUI, he seemed to know which dr we were talking about right away... told him about the side effects of clomid, and the other drugs and tests and hell we've been through... His eyes were so sympathetic, he didn't interupt either... He simply, listened! I was shocked! I still am actually...
So after we chatted a bit and he wrote more info down he said "You've been trying for 6 yrs then? ". We relied with a "yes". He turned slowly towards his funky computer and printed some pages off, turned around and said something like.. "Here at the SOFT clinic we like to keep things moving, and once we start something we don't hesitate. This is what we're going to do... and he started going through the paper work FOR AN IUI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M SO FREAKING HAPPY I CAN'T CONTAIN MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I remained calm though as his eyes twinkled and he smiled slightly in a whimsical way, I think he knew the joy he brought us when as he explained our next steps... I think this guy actually 'got it'. We were people today, a loving couple wanting to get pregnant, trying for 6 long, sad, stressful years. OMG, sometimes miracles do happen! We actually found a Dr willing to help us. I mean, he told me to get a blood test done (to check for pregnancy, as I told him about the pregnancy tests from last week) before we left the office today, they'll call tomorrow with the results. He wrote the scripts for provera if I'm not pregnant, he said he didn't want me to have to wait for my period if the test was negative. He gave me a script for PORVERA to help me ovulate, and a requisit for my cd3 blood test. I have all the instructions for the IUI and we start right away!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M SO HAPPY! I'M SO FRIGIN EXCITED I CAN'T WAIT!
It took me two hours to calm myself down long enough to call my mother, and even then I was balling my eyes out! So it was fun to tell my story to my family, some cried and some were stunned to silence about our next step! I keep looking at the scrpits and requisit and info package and I can't believe it... finally after 6 YEARS!! WE FINALLY GET OUR IUI!
David, my sweetheart takes everything so calmly, here's me a freakin basket case, and he's very happy, yet I think stunned in disblief... so calm!
So ladies who have been thru an IUI... I'll be reading your blogs and doing my research happily over the next few evenings. I am nervous, but VERY excited for our next step to becoming parents!!! YAY US!!

TTYL
Many HuGs!

Awww

Well, mum just gave me bad news, her best friend of MANY years passed away tonight, she's very upset and I am very sad for her. I will miss Pat, I've known her all my life. She was at our wedding and always had nice things to say and was there to support mum thru her stuff as well... Awww Pat I hope you're resting comfortably, you've had bad health for some time now... you deserve peace. Blessings to you... you'll always be remembered. Love you!

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is the big day, we meet our new RE.

I did 3 other hpt's and two came back negative and there was the first test, then another like it (different brand). So I'll mention it to the DR tomorrow. He'll have to test me before giving me any fertility drugs anyways.

I'm nervous and excited, but more nervous. I have so many thoughts running thru my brain right now of what he'll be like... I am also a little scared that my dream will finally come true... kinda silly I know, but you get so used to believing it won't happen. Then lately the thought of being pregnant actually became a true possiblity... I hope he can help us attain our goal!!

I should go as I have some stuff to do before bed.

TTYL

Grrr I don't know LOL

K, here's a pic of my test. It doesn't really do it much justice, but here it is anyways. I think it could be a screw up, false posivite or something. I called the customer service line and spoke with the lady, she said if it came up within the time limit then Im pregnant... but I dunno, looks to much like an Evap line.
I took another test this morning, but I pee'd to much on it in all the excitment, I pee'd twice LOL. So Off I go to buy more lol. I should purchase stock! Anyways, the blue line is still visible on the test, better in person than in the photo, but at least you'll get why I'm confused!
I'll do another test but I don't believe it will be positive. Reguardless, ere... take a look...

Jenn

Evap line or positive test result??

I'm freaking out a little here... but first, a little history (incase you don't know it)...

DH and I have been TTC for 6 yrs now. We're been thru clomid, metformin, avandia, more tests, lap test, ect ect ect...I was diagnosed with PCOS. Recently due to issues with my RE we have been waiting to meet our new RE, which is this next tuesday coming. I had put myself on prenatal vitamins for the time being, been taking them for about a month or so now... That's the only thing I've been on. So I tracked my CM and tried guessing if I O'd back on cd14, we bd'd appropriatley (grin); which brings us to the last few days.

I have been feeling odd, emotionally/testy, cramping, sore gums, been feeling bunged up (tmi, sorry), now my back is killing me. We were invited to two halloween parties tomorrow night, and being the responsible person I am I tested to see if I could drink or not. I tested tonight as soon as I got home, I had just finished a coffee with one of my gf's. So about 1 minute into the test maturing, with negative results looming, and very thin very light blue line appeared. Now that its been an hour and a half it is still there. I read about Evap lines and read about positive test results... what's your experience? Could this very thin, very light blue line, be the line we've been waiting for for 6 yrs? It looks like it only picked up the left side of the positive line on my equate test. What's your opinion? Any experience in this matter? PLEASE HELP I'M FREAKING OUT lol

I am trying to keep myself calm, of course that was after a shaking fit and tears... but now my head is a little more clear and I am trying to set myself up for devistation. I have been searching online for false positives, positives and Evap lines. The info I found on Equate tests have been pretty good so far. but I really don't want to fall hard... please don't do this to me... I hate this!! The blue dye apparenty is bad for Evap lines, although the line did appear a minute after it was sitting, it only effected the left side of the line... and it is very faint.. so I don't know. Could be either or I guess! I might just be expecting a really bad bout f AF in the next few days!

I'll drop a line and let ya know what happens!!

Forgot to mention its cd25 today... Haven't had a chance to review anyone else blogs, but I will this weekend to catch up.

TTYL

Its growing on me...

Ya, my black hair is growing on me I think lol. My skin is just so white now... I know it always was, but still. hehe

I don't really have anything new to say. I've been moody, but I think it's nerves for next week, I just want it to get here so I know what I'm looking at.

I'll be around to visit everyones blogs tomorrow as its late and I should hit the sack.

TTYL

I dyed my hair dark brown and it came out black... GRRR. I'm angry about that! Aww well, I can change it again in a month, lighten it up a bit I think...

I went to the gym today for the first time in a while. I lost all focus there for a bit, but I gotta stick with it. I feel good that I went. My friend and I will be going again next week, but this time we're taking in a 'body flow' class, that should be interesting! LOL. Apparently its all thi chi, yoga 'n pilates... gawd knows what I've gotten myself into hehe. I hope I enjoy it, should be a hoot anyways lol. I hope I can walk when I goto my doctors apointment the next day hehe.

I have dishes to do, I'm procrastinating... I hate washing the dishes LOL. I did it for 7 yrs when I was younger, maybe that's why!

I have 2 halloween parties to goto this friday, then some friends are coming over for a movie night saturday. I think saturday during the day I'm going to goto woodstock, visit daves dad and visit the niece and nephew... take them to the park or something, if the weather is good enough. I think I may decorate the front of the house for halloween as well... OOOOH and carve a jack-o-lantern!

Well, off for now, to do te darn dishes, then have a shower and possibly paint a bit. I have a lot of little ceramic things on the go right now.

TTYL!

Below, is the unimpressed me with my black hair!

Awww, waiting is wonderful!

Is feeling sick today. One week tomorrow, 7 days and counting.
Not much is new other than that! I'm a little bored right now, maybe I'll goto singshot.com and see what new songs they have to record.

CD 20 - cramps and irritable

So I've been taking pre-natal vitamins for the last month and a bit, and I think it actually helped me O this month... I don't know for sure because I didn't use an OPK. I went with the way my body felt(slight cramping in left ovary ect.), and CM as well. Now I thought I O'd back on the 14th/15th, but today at cd20, I have some af like cramping. It just started this afternoon. My back has been sore the last week, as well as my knee joints, and hips are slightly sore. This week my teeth and gums have been very sensative as well, to the point where I've bought sensidyne (sp). I've also been irritable and emotional for the last few days... especially today! So I dunno, maybe everything's all messed up because I have started taking those vitamins, I know my actual cycle last 7.5 days this time as well, different from my normal 5 or so days. I had been waking up a couple times a night for this cycle as well, but the last couple nights I've slept thru, was a deep sleep too. I've also had prob's with blurry vision ect.
We go and meet Dr. Martin a week from tuesday, I'm excited but nervous as well. Lets hope all is well. In all honesty I am scared shitless that he will be as rude to me as our first RE was. Tell me I'm to big for iui, or that he won't help because I'm overweight. It's not like I'm not trying or anything. I goto the gym and have been making a lot of changes to help my situation. I am a little discouraged that he won't fill any scripts for us for met or and that we'll have to wait another two months befor anything actually does happen... simply because its the first time we meet him. Gawd I really hope he's a nice personality, I'm feeling sensative these days, especially when it comes to fertility and ttc... I know Dr's should automatically be aware of how their patients might feel, but the world doesn't work that way! I'm trying not to get myself all worked up about how the dr might be, but its hard when thinking of my past experience. We'll see...
We adopted a new puppy, she's 3 weeks old and we've visited her twice. Her name is Gypsy, she's a shih-tzu. We get to bring her home first week in december... we're very excited!! I'll post a pic.

Off for now, gotta go read some friends blogs. Take care!

October 30th is the big day! I can't wait!!

A quick note...

I got my call today from my dr's office finally!! I get to goto the SOFT clinic, I just don't have the date as the office was closed when I got home from work, so I'll be calling them tomorrow to find out! I'm sooo stoked!!! I'll update more tomorrow.

TTYL

P.s. down to 3-5 smokes a day(down from 15-17 a day), quit for 24 hours but had 3 last night, and 5 today all together... tomorrows goal, 0! I'll write about the side effects, cause holy crap are they hard!!! Gotta fly for now!

So I started pre-natal vitamins today... hoping they help to kick my system into gear. AF is hiding as per the norm... I am hoping the doctor calls this week with my referral. The vitamins are huge lol.
We spent lots of money on groceries as well, I'm used my best judgment with our purchases as I still want to lose weight and stick with the gym. I've had the flu this week so I only got to the gym once. I'm hoping that when I wakeup tomorrow my head will feel better so I can do some cardio.
We had a nice weekend, went out friday with our friends to karaoke after we went and purchased new clothes. My jeans cost $65 because I'm 6ft1 so length is nearly impossible to get unless I spend extra. Dave looks so hot in his new outfit, *purrr*, lol. Saturday we did a BBQ for his father as he is back in woodstock, staying at the retirment home until they can get the house renovated for the lift and get it wheelchair friendly... they still haven't totally decided weather their going to renovate or build a new home.
Then after that we visited with some friends, came home and woke up today, did the groceries and hubby sanded the dining room table which looks absolutely beautiful!!! So overall its been a nice weekend, hoping the week is just as nice.

TTYL

Well, there's not to much to update today. I've had some odd blood preassure issues the last two days, don't really know what that's about, but if it happens again tomorrow I'm going to get checked.

Still no AF, and no call from the Dr's office.

I'm kind of blah today... rather tired. I hate waiting LOL. That's about it for now hehe.

Gnight

rambles....

So, about a month and a half ago a friend approached me about adopting a baby from a friend of hers who is pregnant. I know this woman, we occasionally meet at get togethers or karaoke. I have her on my facebook ect. She has two other children and doesn't believe she can handle another, which is mature of her, and I respect her for admitting that the baby would be better off being adopted. But I have conflicting feelings about the entire thing.
I have been approached a few times about adopting and about seragent mothers, people offering ect. I have an issue with it because I know that they mean the best, but the fact of people finding it so easy to approach me about it is mind boggling. I get angry when I think about it. I think its because they're not hearing that I have PCOS, I still have a chance to bare a child, its just going to take longer and take some help from the Dr. I'm not sterile! (although there are some people who are and I count my blessings to even have a chance) I think its ignorance (not being educated on the subject of infertility) that leads people to these assumptions... which makes me angry. It doesn't fill me with much confidence either. It would be better for my friends to concentrate on supporting the efforts we're making towards becoming pregnant than trying to solve the entire thing by them having a baby for us. I truly know they only have the best intentions with their suggestions, but come on people... I'm a woman who's been trying to have a baby for 5 1/2 yrs now, don't you think I've thought about the what if's ands' & buts' ect...?
Anyways, the lady that's pregnant, she found out she's having a boy, and I can't help but feel sad that he's being given up for adoption... my perspective is that you'd find the resources somehow to support the third child. I'm not in her shoes, and I can see wanting the baby to have a better life than the one you can offer, but it still upsets me. And I think its because I haven't had a child yet and we want one soooo bad... and here she is totally opposit, having a child and knowing she can't care for it the way he deserves to be cared for and giving it up for adoption.
I don't know, always kicks me into deep thought...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had a wonderful daydream yesterday while I was outside thinking of how chilly it was getting. In my dream I was playing with a little girl in a pink jacket, my daughter, she was showing me something she had picked up off the sidewalk and I was explaining to her what it was... It was a nice daydream and actually made me smile when I thought about it right afterwards... hopefully one day that will happen...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hadn't heard back from the DR reguarding my referral yet so I called today and was told that referrals can take upto 3 weeks before I hear back... one more week to go... argh. I really want to get started on things. I have been working so hard at eating the right things, taking my folic acid, working out at the gym... and now AF won't even show up. But that's why, cause I've changed my diet and exersize, well that and I have PCOS lol. I'm about to burst waiting to meet this new Dr. But I guess I have no choice but to wait.

Well that's all my ramblings for now. Take care!

My.Herstory

Waiting...

Well, I am still waiting for the Dr's office to call with the referral. I think that if I don't hear back by thursday I may call there to check on it and touch base. I wanna get rollin on this baby thing again, and I can't do it without help. lol You know what I mean hehehe...
In the meantime I am working on eating better and going to the gym more. I am thinking positive again and am rather excited about trying femera... hopefully it gets perscribed to me.
I joined soulcysters.com for support and like minded women. I also joined sparkpeople.com for healthier eating and dieting. I tell ya, even just changing to fruit smoothies in the morning has helped with energy. I've also purchased tea. But now I want to research the correct tea to be drinking, I can't remember what it was. I am effectivley trying to keep myself busy while I wait for the dr's call.
I'de also like to learn how to meet more people on this blogger thingy... I'll figure it out sooner or later...
I hope all is well.

So ít's been a while sinse I've been here.

The fast update...
- We burried David's mum in may
- We lost a close childhood friend the week before that
- The week after his mum's burial his father was in a severe trucking accident, leaving him paralized from the waste down, ucky to be alive.
- My mum and brother have finally moved out of our place, we've slowly started painting and getting things setup to our liking.

On the fertility route...
The dr I was seeing, who did my lap exam, is no longer in the province (sine june 21st apparently), she's been banned from practing here due to mal practice law suites... 4 of them. We just found out last week. So I've seen my family physician and we are being referred to a new Dr. The new Dr. is male, the first male I've had, the other two were female, so we're hoping third times the charm.
My previous dr put me on avandia, which didn't do anything really accept give me headaches everyday. So when we meet Dr. Martin we're going to request metformin and fermara (as clomid gave me bad side effects). I don't think our previous dr screwed up on me, but I need to get checked just in case... wish me luck please.
Now seeing that I have PCOS, I am slowly trying to get into better eating habits, I have been going to the gym more freaquently and I've been taking my folic acid. I would like any help possible to guide me in the right direction for eating. If you've been on a successful diet, can you share your secret? I don't like many veggies at all, and I find it so much easier to grab a cookie instead of an apple... how did you change your ways? I'm begging for any tips lol.

I hope all is well,
My_Herstory

I live! I made the move, and start my new job tomorrow. Things are busy hectic.
I didn't get pregnant on my first month of Avandia... tried not getting my hopes up and it worked! We're taking it easy this month as there is to much going on to stay focused.
I hope everyone is well, will come back later this week and check for updates on others blogs, and update my info somemore. Take care!

Jenn
My.Herstory

Busy Busy

Hi. Been busy here. I'm off to Quebec to pick my brother up, hes graduating from boot camp on thursday! we're so excited!!! Can't wait to see him.
I am on cd 29 now, I've had cramps for two days, not normal cramps... I'm not sure if my sacral is out of place and its causing crampy pain or what, its slight cramping on me left side. I have had sore breasts for about 2 weeks now, not as sore as they were, but kind of tender. So I wait to see if AF is rearing her ugly head.
I won't be back online until the end of the week. So I hope ya'll have a good week.

TTYL
My.Herstory
Jenn

yay!

Just dropping a line to say we got our new 3 bedroom townhouse!!! YAAAAAAY! We're painting it now and are excited to move in. Yay us!
I am on cd 21. I haven't noticed anything different accept very sore breasts, ouchy! I have also been feeling sick, with lots of emergancy bathroom trip, but that's the Avandia pills.
I got a note from the doctor to go part time at work. I go in tuesday to work out a new schedule, yaaaay! I have a job interview on wednesday LOL, YAAAAAAY! I goto Quebec in a week and a half to see my brother graduate from boot camp, which I truly TRULY can't wait for.
Then I wait until its time and do my p-test if AF doesn't come a knockin'.

That's what's going on here, but its late and I have a full day of painting tomorrow so I should be heading off to bed.

TTYL
My.Herstory
Jennifer

fertility vs infertility

So I received a dvd in the mail from one of my friends, called "The Secret". I have also been reading books on Fung Shui. Both of which have pointed towards the Law of Attraction. You attract things to yourself, whether it be positive or negative. So with this in thought, instead of concentrating on INfertility, why not concentrate on Fertility and being Fertile? Concentrating on the positive side of it will most definately be worthwhile. Concentrate on not being able to get pregnant and that's what you'll get. For example, always saying DH and I are having fertility problems, or I don't ovulate will bring that too me. The that is what I'm drawing to me from the great wide universe (whatever power it may be). If I concentrate on being fertile, would that not draw fertile energies to me? I truly think so.
It's more than thinking about it, its knowing that its true and visualization, ect. Hey, the worst that can happen is a more positive outlook right? lol
I did however ovulate this cycle, first cycle on Avandia. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Now hopefully we did everything right and in two/three weeks I'll post my positive pregnancy test!! Ahh who am I kidding when I see the positive everyone in the world will hear me scream then cry full of joy and happiness! lol
Well, I have to get to work now. Hope everyone is doing well.

TTYL
My.Herstory
Jenn

CD 13 and counting...

CD13, I wasn't able to purchase an OPK for this month, so the only indication that would be even partcially reliable would be monitoring my temp. Unless of course I actually feel different... no signs of anything yet, but it is only cd13.
Not to much to report other than that. Well, Avandia I have found while taking it my eyes are drying out, so I use eye drops now, this is besides the emergency bathroom runs. I also find that I am getting freaquent headaches, but I think that's connected to the drying out of my eyes.. mabe if I keep putting drops in I'll find I have no headaches. We'll see over the next couple of days.
After not drinking pop as much I found now that it is actually rather sweet, I used to really like diet pepsi, now I find myself kinda grossed out at the taste of the sweetner in it. I start back at the gym this next week, I'm looking forward to that.

We've packed some boxes in hope that we'll get a new place... so now my dining room is all packed and so are the books from my bedroom.

I've started reading a book on Fung Shui, its actually kind of interguing, so we'll try some of the Feng Shui cures and see if it helps in any spesific area of my life lol. I'll have to let ya's know!

Off I go, should head to bed, long day tomorrow. TTYL

Jennifer
My.Herstory

WARNING: This is a rant session!! I needed to vent!

So things just don't seem to be clicking into place. I am rather frusterated all around right now with things in my life. Mum and Doug are still living with us and Dave and I want a new place, we want our baby and I need a new job. My new shift starts next week, 3:30pm to midnight, and I'm stressed out about it cause I won't get any time with David as he'll be sleeping while I'm up and I'll be gone before he's up. It really feels like I'm stuck in a really bad movie of my own life. I want to get out of the call centre business so bad, I'm sick of talking to people all day.
Today I had a bad time cause there's like 6 women I can count off the top of my head that are pregnant, always talking about how they feel and 'complaining' about the baby kicking while they're trying to sleep at night. All I could think of saying was "I wish I had that problem", and I did say it... nice and clear, no response! They actually got up and went inside. LOL.
GRRRRRRRRR!
I am so sick of living in this house, the environment here SUX a$$. There's black mold hiding everywhere, and mushrooms growing in the basement. The rust from the taps when you turn them on, and if the sinks drain your lucky. GROSS!!!! I hate slum loards and man our landlord is one of them. We tried over the last 1.5 yrs to make this place a home, but its so gross we just can't!
I love my mother and my brother, but I think 7 months is long enough! We're all ready to kill each other, and trying to be romantic and trying for a family doesn't work when you always have someone home. (my mother had major surgery in july, had 3 large growths removed from her chest cavity, and scrapped from a disk in her back where she now has a steel rod. So it's been a VERY long road, she's doing much better and is able to drive now, so we've been trying to get them their own place but because she has to do subsidy and housing she's been added to a list. My brother is 40 yrs old, and acs like a 13 years old most the time with his temper tantrums and such, he has epilepsy and this sort of thing comes with that. My father is finally where he belongs, in a nursing home, as he had a stroke 7 years ago and has been emotionally and mentally abusing my mother, he's in a wheel chair most the time but has some mobility. So at least we got one thing taken care of!).
I just want to scream with frusteration!!! Nothing seems to be going our way at all! I can feel it in deep down in my gutt that things are going to be awesome, I just know it, but this stagnation is driving me MAD! I think we deserve a little good luck and great news for once, something to go our way anyways!. It really feels like we're constantly struggling, and I'm sick of it.
Dave and I applied for a townhouse in London, and we really hope to get it, but we can't take it if mom and doug don't get a place. I need to have a job to work to pay the car bills as we owe for the new transmission we just had to put in, and I pay insurance. We need a second car if I can't find a new job so I can travel back and forth from London to here with my shitty afternoon shift at the call center. But still nothing can hppen until mom and doug are in their own place, it's an EVIL circle that keeps going round and round.
So Now I sit and look at this friggin callender and I get even more angry and upset because i'm sick of having to do this when its s friggin easy for other women to get pregnant! WHY can't that be me??? Something easy for a change instead of having to time our sex and take the friggin pills, and take my temp every day... monitor my CM and CP.... Gawd! I certainly hope the next 6 years aren't as shitty as the past years have been.
My mother in law pased away Jan. 17th. She wanted me to go through her clothes and get first pick of everything that way, so that's what I did on the weekend. There was one outfitt spesifically that was laid out on the bed, a very beautiful purple skirt with light flower patterns on it, with a very pretty purple tank top with jewles around the neck. A matching outfit... we all figure she got it spesifically with me in mind... because its my style of clothing, nothing she would have ever warn. So that warms my heart but makes me very sad at the same time because I can't thank her for it in the normal sense.
K, I think I'm done ranting... for now. I warned you this post was a little bit of a venting session. I hope everyone is doing well, I'll catch up on your blogs later on.

My.HerStory
Jenn

The experience of "Baby Dreams"

I had another baby dream two nights ago... I woke up irritated, then sat staring out the window, and cried a bit. In my dream I was pregnant (like my normal baby dreams), the biggest difference was my dream body actually matched my real body. It left me with a fresh, deep longing because it made it seem real. In my dream I didn't experience the birth, nor do I remember holding the baby afterwards. I do remember that some time had passed, and I was running along a balcony. The walls I remember had changed from one color to a light green. I knew it was a boy! My heart beat faster and faster as I started my race towards a doorway about 50 yards up and to the left from where I was. There was a door there with a dull light flashing from inside with what sounded like a television. I ran along the railing, finally reaching the corner I turned left, and sprint the rest of the way towards the doorway. I remember seeing a little baby boy on the television screen, surrounded by a television mom and dad, family. I know he was my baby, he was so cute with his blonde hair and blue eyes, a spit image of my husband. I was confused and wondered why he wasn't with me... then I woke up.
I have a lot of dreams about babies, this one had to have seemed the most realistic for my self image and I don't remember seeing such a clear image of my baby befor either. These 'Baby Dreams'can be nice to have of one side, but very sad on another. I would much rather have the baby in real life. I've had other dreams as well, some more disturbing than others. I remember them all and will probably end up posting them over time.
I wonder if anyone else experiences 'Baby Dreams'. I suppose they do and just don't say. I think that a lot of the women TTC with fertility problems have these types of dreams. Wonder what they dream. Hmm.

It starts...

AF day 1 after Lap test... OUCH! She's not being very nice... so here we go, the roller coaster ride... keep your hands and legs in the car at all times until the ride comes to a complete stop. Well, I've already started keeping track of my temp, BD's, and now I am at the beginning of my cycle... Avandia took less than a week. I am a little excited at the prospect of O-ing for a change, lets just hope I don't miss the big day. I think I'm going to purchase an OPK... that'll be a first. I get paid friday so I guess its perfect timing so I can start my research on them.
I have to admitt that I dread the POS test in a month, I keep telling David we should buy stock. We'd be rich on us alone! I always hate it cause I watch the wet line cross the little windows, and I already know in my hearts of hearts that its negative... how depressing and forboding LOL. I'm a bottle of cheer! I should be doing a happy dance and getting excited... maybe It's just hormones hehe.

So I finally have time to sit and post, well briefly for right now. I'll be sure to come again later to post a longer thought. I just spent almost half an hour looking for my username/password for this blog LOL. I didn't write it down or save it... but obviously have found it!! So now I can post away... well not right now it's supper time!

Be back a lil'later.
Jenn