Post Partum Depression?!

So The baby is doing well... Maera is being a jealous almost 3 yr old... I am depressed, or I have the baby blues. One or the other. But apparently baby blues only last a week or two, and Lily is now almost 4 wks old. Wow, that's hard to believe, my God. So I'm going to mention to the midwives how I've been feeling. I feel depressed about Maera being so different... I have no patience at all... and I am angry a lot. All I want to do is eat sweet food, and that's not healthy.
Lily is sleeping almost through the night... she wakes up once for a feeding, but I get four hrs straight sleep, so I'm doing pretty darn good I think. We were struggling with her not gaining any weight, but that seems to have changed which is good. I don't get to get her weighed again until next week, cause that's my next apointment.
I get to goto the casino next wednesday for a big draw... apparently I've one an entry into a draw for a brand new rav4. One of 31 ppl to win! Pretty good chances I think! Wish me luck, we could really use the new car.
Maera starts her dance lessons on tuesday at 5pm.. she's so excited!! I am as well, can't wait to see her dancing hehe, she's guna be so happy :).
So my brain is wondering, thinking about what life has in store from here on out... like with big changes n stuff. I am hoping to get my grooming license to make the dog grooming thing official... and I'de like the opportunity to have clients at home, because I am not certain with what's happening with work... I dunno if I can afford to work, at least until Maera's in school... and even then I would need to have easy going hours. So I dunno, too much to think about really... stresses me out.
The rest fo the family is doing well. Steve & Tressa are very happy, and the kids are doing awesome! I love Tressa, she's the best! Doug is doing awesome with his new gf Holly... she's a nice woman... and understands Doug, and accepts him for him! Which is good! :) Both dad's are doing awesome. Well, Bob has a bed sore gone wrong and needs to be hospitalized in London in order for it to heal properly... so we're just waiting for a bed, but overall he's doing well.

K, well that's the update for now...

TTYS
XOXO

Lilyana Christine

Lilyana Christine was born august 14th, 2011, @ 4:55am. She weighed 9lbs 6oz. 22 inches long.
I called the midwife at 7:30pm on the 13th, she advised me to take Caster oil... which I started 1 tblsp every hour (mixed with vanilla milkshake). At 11pm she called again for an update. I started contracting lightly, they were every 3-4 minutes apart. She decided to come and do a check. it took her an hour to get here... so around 12:30 she did a check, I was still 3-4 cm's. She broke the rest of my water/membrane... and that started everything. I went to 8-9cm's at 4:30am... I needed to push, so I started pushing.. at 4:55am Lilyana joined us.
The birth was at home... and the experience was absolutley amazing. We were surrounded by ppl who loved us.. all sitting around me on the bed... it was awesome. I wouldn't change it for anything. I would always suggest a home birth now over a hospital birth if mom and baby are both able/healthy.

David did such a good job supporting me through labor this time around, so very pleased with that. I think having a home birth made the difference. He was free to be himself, and it was so much more comfortable. I could take a shower when I wanted to, go to the washroom when I wanted too.. drink & eat if I wanted too (which I didn't cause it was so intense for those 3.5 hrs.)

My brother Steven actually stayed in the room while I gave birth, that ment a lot to me... more than I think he knows. mom wasn't here, accept in spirit, so having him here was so special. Brandi & Tressa and Steve were on one side, Jackie & David on the other, midwife ready to catch.
Midwife that was attending and caught Maera was Andrea Kenny... supported by Shawn (dunno her last name). They were FABulous!!

The only thing that bugged me was, I was grossed out because the caster oil made delivery messy... embarassing yes, but still worth it. Active labor only last like 3.5 hours hehe. So it went quickly!

We're doing well now, Lily hadn't been gaining her weight back... she went from 9lbs 6oz, to 8lbs 6 oz... and stayed there for like a week and a half... didn't lose anymore, but hadn't gained any either. Sh ewas weighed this lasst saturday and went up to 8lbs 15 oz... so I am so much more happy about that. She gets weighed again tomorrow... so I'm hoping for more weight gain. She is being breast fed.

Below are a couple of pictures of Lilyana, and us girls all together! :):)





TTYS
XOXO

40 weeks pregnant

Just like with her sister, my water broke at 6:50am today, been trickling aaaall morning. I am waiting for the labor to start, I am sooooooo excited to hold this little one.
Today there are a lot of people here lol. Happy for her safe arrival as well.
Daddy, Maera
Aunt Brandi
Aunt Tressa, Uncle Steve
Uncle Doug is coming later with his gf Holly
And Aunt Jackie will be here!!

This weekend is cowapalooza, so everyone was gunna goto the April Wine concert at the park, but now we all get the joy of welcoming this lo into the world. It's nice to be surrounded by my family; and friends that I consider family. I am missing my mom and really wish she was here, but I can hear her voice in my head, GET bouncing on that ball!! LOL.
Jen, Murray & the kids are going to take Maera when my contractions get harsh, I don't want Maera to see me hurting.

I have spent some time on the ball, and done the dishes. I have also got the bedroom ready for when she comes... hopefully I have everything in order for when I call the midwife. We're hoping this can all happen at home, no hospital... I really hope things get poppin' right soon, I'de like her in time for a nice dinner with everyone *grin*. David and I promised each other KFC when she was born LOL, funny eh? haha.

As long as she arrives healthy and safe, then we'll all be happy!! I'm sooo ready, come one baby girl!!

TTYS
XOXO

39 wks 5 days

So I lost my plug today!! Yaaaay, with show btw. Hoping this will kick me into labour over the next few hours and we can finally meet our peanut!
I've also had some issues with my bp, and it was up at yesterdays apointment as well. If its up friday they'll send me for nst for babe.. make sure she's okay. If it doesn't lower they'll have to induce me in hospital, which I DON'T WANT. So Pls Lily... pls body, lets have a baby tonight or tomorrow k??

TTYS
xoxo

38 wks 5 days

Hi there. I went to the mw today for a check up. Apparently my bp is a little higher than they like, 135/94... my urine proteine level is fine and I don't have swelling or spots in my eyes, so I just need to relax apparently.
Becuase of this she gave me the option of a sweep, which I agreed to. I guess on the 'outside' I am 4 cm dialated, but my cervix was completely closed, so she did what she could to help it along... OUCH! Yep bleeding, its stopped now, but I'm hoping that Lily helps things along tonight... it would be nice. She is right there and ready, she just needed a push. I am hoping this is all she needs and my blood pressure issue is a none issue. I must have baby at home. I will avoid going to the hospital at all costs!
Just wanted to update, that's all.

TTYS
XOXO
My dd is august 13th, but I am hoping she comes prior to then.

35 wks 4 days

So we're in the end stretch!! Lily will be here sometime within the next month. I am hoping for a home birth good God(dess) willing, but if not I go to the hospital. I get my tour tomorrow to see what the birthing rooms are like, ect.

We're enjoying our new place, it's much larger than the house we lived in... and has a backyard that we have access too.

I started MAT leave two weeks ago, they did a little baby shower for me, got us some diapers & wipes and a couple outfits. It was super nice. :)

I'm feeling pretty good, looking forward to hving my body back to be honest... I am ready to give birth, I'm done with pregnancy hehe. This is definatley our last one. I can't wait to meet her.

I do my swab test this week & I think they're going to do an internal to check what baby is doing... hopefully it starts something rolling, it would be ncie to have her a little early.. as long as she's fully developed, which she is, then I'm good with that! The midwife says anytime after 36 wks 6 days I can stay home, so one week lol. Then I'm going to start walking lots! We'll see.

Anyways, just a quick update, I mean it has been 10 wks lol. Hope everyone is well.

TTYS
XOXO

26 weeks

Baaaad emotional issues! Wow, lots of crying, lots of over the top emotional responses lol. Lots going on right now though. My brother moves out to his own apartment on the weekend. This will be his first place on his own. I'm scared for him, but excited as well... and sooo tired of doing everything for him... it will be such a lot of new things for him, and has been a lot of new things. Hope he doesn't get a bunch of seizures, he's been fighting them off the last month do to stress.  like we move at the end of the month as well, so I have all that stress too. David works like all the time, so he doesn't call anyone or anything to setup utilities or anything, that's all me. So between working, and Doug moving, and Us moving, and lets not forget I'm almost 7 months preggo... I've got a few things on the go here.
Just found out Gypsy (our shihtzu) needs to have a tooth or two pulled, $290 was the quote, please $12 extra per tooth... yep, not good timing with moving and my hours being cut down at work, argh! So that will happen next month, cause with the move I just can't afford it this month. I'll be sure to get it done before MAT Leave (June 30th is my last day btw! :):)).
Plus, this month I have to get the two cats their shots. Argh! That's an extra $120 or so! Oh it never ends... but at least it will be taken care of!
Oh that reminds me. I have to call the insurance company and get occupant insurance for the new place too, uh boy!

So I went through a few more of mom's boxes and was able to through out some things this time that I wasn't able to last time.... so I feel pretty decent about that. I guess these things take time eh?! None the less there is still some this I need to get through. So we'll see.

Well, I've been feeling okay... not as easy as my first pregnancy, a lot more aches n pains with this one. Plus the legs cramps in the middle of the night they really suck! My back has been aching as well. Heartburn has been bad the last little while ect.
I have moments where I am just so excited, but other were I'm sooo nervous about how things will be with 2 kids... more on that another time, I'm sleepy!

TTYS
XOXO

24 weeks

Well this week I want to eat eat eat!
Maera and I had an awesome weekend away to Steve  Tressa's place. We visited with her parents, and went to karaoke (they were nice enough to wath Maera), Maera & Uncle Steve climbed Mt Pillion, she loved it! Then I came home. Gosh my time there went so fast.
I dropped off mom's two cats as well when I went there for my visit.

So this week I gotta go do my GD test, hoping I don't have it this time around. Once I find out either way I'll be able to make a decision on if I'm having baby at home or at hopsital... *crossing fingers for a good test result*.

Work has cut my hours because D is back from school, it's actually really rediculous the amount of hours I'm getting, not making much at all... like 1-2 shifts a week. Argh. Oh well at the end of June I can apply for MAT leave.

Well that's just a quick update for now. Off I go. Take care ya'll!

XOXO
TTYS

20 weeks along

And my breasts feel extra huge! lol. My tummy popped some at 19 weeks, I'll take a picture and post it.
Been waking up every night with major cramps in my legs and back pain. its from working so hard everyday at the shop. Lifting/pushing/pulling/bathing/brushing those big dogs is very difficult. I hope I can last until July... that's when I go on MAT leave.

Hoping that we finally found a new place to live today, we hear back tomorrow. We viewed a semi, needs some TLC, but its HUGE inside and what we want. Small fenced back yard, quiet street.
Now Doug just needs to find a place to live. I'm looking forward to moving out of here actually... moving on to new memories.

Mom's birthday is monday, she would have been 69. Her 1 yr anniversary of passing will be  april 8th. 

That's about all that's new for now. Hope you're all well!

TTYS
XOXO

18 wks 3 days, Gender

So I had my u/s yesterday, and it went awesome. They showed me the fingers & toes, and inside the body. I seen the cord and everything. I had them check the gender, which they wouldn't tell me right off the hop. My midwife had to tell me.

So today I had my midwife apointment lol. It's TEAM PINK! So we're having another baby girl!!! Her name is Lillyana Christine! We're still playing with the spelling of Lillyana, I like Lilyanna.

I was a little shocked it was another girl. I honest to God thought I was going to have a boy, I always thought it would be a boy. Apparently I was wrong!
The sheet said "Query female", so I'm assuming they suggest more checking. I
have another u/s in a month as they didn't get all the pic's they needed, so awww shux I have to see baby again hehe. I'll request it again at that point just to verify.

She's moving around a lot tonight... and it feel really weird to say She instead of it hehe. Kinda cool though! Now I can't wait to see what she looks like. I am guessing she'll be the tomboy type and Maera will remain the Princess girly girl type.:):).  Ohh I am looking forward to the future :):).

Off to bed I go... work in the morning!

17 wks 2 days

I'm feelin' babe move. I can also get the heartbeat a lot faster with the monitor. I go this week to see the specialist reguarding my thyroid & med's. In a week I have my u/s and I believe we're finding out the sex this time. I have a feeling its a girl. But we'll see!
Last night for the first time I put the head phones on my tummy so the babe could listen to some relaxation music hehe. It danced in there lol, I could feel it hehe. Awww so sweet. Can't wait til babe gets bigger and Maera & David can feel it.
We're still looking for a new place to live, hoping we can find a place sometime soon. And now we're looking for a second vehicle... morning commutes are hell right now with only one vehicle and dropping Maera & David off. The Lincoln dropped it's transmission basically, and I wasn't about too put the money out... I mean mom already had it rebuilt a few years back. Sooo, wish us luck!!
Gotta go for now....

TTYS
XOXO

15 wks 6 days

Babe is moving moving!! I LOVE IT! Today I really felt him/her movin' around in there. yaaaay! The heart beat is getting much easier to pick up on the monitor as well. So Happy right now with being pregnant! :):)
I went today and did blood work for the second part of my IPS screening, and a follow up for the thyroid med's. So I find out about the thyroid med's on tuesday, makin' sure its doing its job. I feel better, so I'm thinking it's working.
Hope you're all well.

TTYS
XOXO

Me at 15 wks 2 days

15wks

I went to Motherhood Maternity and I got an awesome deal on two MAT shirts. I got both for $15! I also picked Maera up an "Im a big sister" book, it was $10. So over all I got a good deal really!
I also got my hair done. I needed a bit of a pick me up I think for a change. It did help me feel better.
I can definatley feel babe moving around in there every now and again, such an awesome feeling. Can't wait until s/he gets bigger. I kind of want to find out the sex of this baby, but I don't want to be disapointed that I found out. It's hard to explain. It's just that it would be very helpful to find out for money reasons, ya know? Buying clothes and making sure we're prepared Ect. I have until March 15th to decide, cause that's when my next u/s is. Woohoo, I`ll be 19 wks at that point! Woot! :):)

K, well that`s about it for now.
TTYS
XOXO

Here`s a pic from my 13 wk U S

14wks 3 or so days, very angry, emotional breakdown

So there are times that I am totally just beyond any happy emotions at all. Today I put laundry in, which is in the basement and I have to walk past the cat littler to get to it. Well, I have been after David to do the cat litter and today it was so full of piss and shit that the cats had started shitting under the table down there and in the laundry room. So I went ahead and changed one of the cat litters.... mopped the floor, scrubbed all the stains up. This was after working all day, coming home and cooking supper. I am not supossed to change the cat littler, he knows this. Why is it so hard for him to do ONE simple fucking task??? I'm sooo upset, angry and disapointed. Like he doesn't even care enough to change the fucking cat litter... that's how it feels anyways. Not only that, but there were like 4 garbage bags of previous cat little piled under the table, and like 3 old cat litter boxes that had been filled with used litter, which he hadn't brought up and outside. He fucking collects it. And last week... just last week I told him to make sure he brought the cat little up and outside with him because Dougs apartment is down there and it must smell. He said, yep yep I will... Well he didn't even bother doing that for god sake! Like what the hell is his problem? So I also carried 4 bags of that upstairs. Now I know I can't carry the boxes so I'm not even gunna try.
Then I always end up being the bitch, or the one he's angry with. Fuckin' can't win for losing around here.
Ya know, he stays up until 2:30am on work nights watching movies and playing games online. I've been at him for years, not over exagerating... YEARS to go through the piles and garbage bags full of clothes he doesn't use or that are ruined anyways and throw stuff out that he doesn't use. He gets to  certain point and stops, EVERYTIME. There are still piles of his clothes everywhere. OMG.
I think of the baby growing inside me and I am so disapointed because like I can't be happy. All I can think of is how much work life is going to be when he/she gets here and I'm the only one doing everything.
I feel like my life is shit. I'm angry because I've wanted to feel happy about this baby, and I can't seem to feel happy... about anything actually. It would be nice o shar this experience with someone who actually honestly gave a damn. Most days I float along. I miss my mom a lot, especially right now.
I really want to curl up into a ball and cry right now. Might actually just do that.

TTYS
XOXO

13 wks

Officially 13 wks pregnant. I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism, I've already been to the doctor and have started synthroid. I get checked basically every 4 wks to check my hormone level for that. I'll robably need to take the hormone replacement for the rest of my life. But they'll check that at the end of the pregnancy. As long as there are no effects to baby I'm okay with whatever.
I go tuesday for my second u/s. It's the checking for malformities.. downs, ect... I'm nervous, but remain positive! :) I am looking forward to seeing the baby and hearing it's heartbeat. I'll updated after the apointment.
Take care for now.

TTYS
XOXO

to many goodbyes

Today we had to put Daylight down. he was our very first pet. He was ten yrs old. He had stopped eating/drinking and lost a lot of weight. We did blood work that came back fine, and dr did an xray with no charge and found that he had somekind of heart deffect, something about it being small.... we couldn't even see the heart on the xray due to all the fluid in his lungs. Basically he was suffering heart failure and was drowning. I of course put him down, as it was only the right thing to do.
Everyone who knew Daylight loved him... like not ever was there one person who came for a second visit and didn't ask for him. He was such a lovely cat. He used to sing with me, and he was the loudest at purring. He was such a lover, loved cuddles and snuggles and loved to play. He loved the other pets too. Used to clean Gypsy (our dog) and the other cats. I'm going to miss him dearly.

still feeling ill, and goodbye to my piano

I am still feeling super ill. Bad cold, lots of sneezing, today I had NO energy, I slept until 10 am (thanx to darling hubby), and then went grocery shopping, then came home and went back to bed. I woke up and cooked supper, and am now ready for bed again. Dr. tomorrow with little miss.
Today I posted on facebook to give my piano away. I wanted a piano all my life and finally got one like 3 years ago... now I have to give it away, soo so sad. :( We're movoing, probably into a townhouse as David's father is selling the house. Not that I'm sad to be leaving here, because I'm not really. There are many sad memories attached to this place. David's mom's death, my mom's death... time to let that all go & move on. Just wish we had a place already and all that... I know I don't need to over worry, things will fall into place. This is what the universe intended.
Anyways, off I go to la la land. Take care!

TTYS
XOXO

11 wks! woot!

OMG do I feel ill. headache n all. losing my voice, hacking up a lung, super tired & moodalicious. I can't wait until this trimester is over. I have absolutely no modvation to do anything... i just have no energy. It bothers me cause I'm a go go go person. Hurry up 3 wks lol.
Hope you're all well.

TTYS
XOXO

10w 6d

I miss my mother. Some days I feel like I'm never going to be happy again. Like I want to smile and feel really happy... I've just got so many depressing things going through my head. I am so angry about losing mom and angry about a lot of things in life.  I miss being happy and I don't know how to be genrally happy.
Don't get me wrong I am happy there is a baby growing in me, but I mean that comes with stress and anxiety too. My brother lives with us and most days I wish he didn't. I'm angry because I'm ALWAYS the responsible one... and I've been given all this extra responsibility and it makes me angry... I just wish someone else would say, hey jen, I don't want you to worry about this... I'll take care of it... you just make sure that baby is growing healthy in there. Nope, don't work that way!
It bothers me that we have to find a new place to live, which will include doug... like no offence, but I want my own fucking life too! And I wish David would do more around the house. i've bothered him for YEARS, yes YEARS now to go through all his clothes and get rid of what he doesn't want, and he won't!! LIKE WHY NOT? OMG. He has piles of clothes all over the place in the basment and spare room...  Everything is just so friggin frusterating. There's sooo much that I can't even articulate it all. And its not just pregnancy hormones... its reality and I don't know what to do about any of it.
Anyways, thanx for listening to me vent... I'm just so frusterated and angry and depressed about a lot of things.... its hard to see past that some days.

K, gotta go, David just came home
TTYS
XOXO

10wks 3d

Today I had my midwife apointment. It went awesome, was with heather this time. She's cool. i asked about having baby at home, she said yes. So my goal is to get on the GD train now, so when blood work time comes I pass with flying colours. Exersize & different diet, so I'll do more research on that tonight.
I got to hear my beans heartbeat again today... she was actually able to get it on the doppler... it was faint, but it sounded like heaven!! :) I've fallen in love.
That's all for now, supper may be burning LOL

TTYS
XOXO

10 wks, 1 day

My Butt is getting HUGE! Argh! I keep eating... and at night time no less!! Not good!!!
Still fatigued, heartburn, nauseated the odd time, really sore back... cramping, pretty strong at times. And did I mention my BUTT IS HUGE?! Like bigger than normal! Argh!
Look!



See?
I go to my first midwife apointment this week, tuesday actually. I'm excited about that! :):)
Oh! Almost forgot!! U/S Pic!!




Our Little bean! YAAAY! Heart rate was 171 BPM!! Feb 8th is my next u/s! :) Woot!

TTYS
XOXO

9 wks 3 days pregnant

Well I had the first U/S for our magic little bean. And there is only 1 lol... hb @ 171! Measured 22mm, which measured a little small from my dd. So baby measured 8wks 6d, and I was 9 wks, 2d preggo.
I have a video with the heartbeat because Daddy couldn't make it to the u/s... it's on Youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x78seAPNjuQ
Symptoms have been the same, fatigue, some nausea, heartburn, emotional ups & downs.
I woke up in the middle of the early early morning, the morning of my u/s crying for my mother. I Wish she was here for this. I cried for her when I left the u/s apointment as well. It just plain sux that she isn't here for any of this.
We're moving, Bob is selling the house. We're okay with that as its keeping us broke. Now we just need to find a new place suitable for 3 adults & two kids. My brother is still with us, so we have to keep that in mind. He's on the housing list, but I don't know how much longer, I think 1 year 2 months or something. There was originally 1.5 yrs wait.
Well, off I go. Take care ladies.

TTYS
XOXO