heartbroken

I just took Chewy to the vet's and had him put to sleep. I am so heartbroken. I hope he's with mom again, I hope their re-union was awesome. He was so very sick and weak. The other pets have noticed something a little different... but Maera hasn't said anything yet.

Ya know 2 wks ago Maera lost the brush my mom gave her before she passed away. I couldn't find it anywhere and I was so sad it was gone... today when I got home from taking Chewy to the vet it was laying right beside my chair on the floor. I picked it up and looked at it cause I couldn't believe it was there... right in plain sight. Weird... but not so weird.
RIP Chewy, may you be blessed. You brought us all so much joy and love over the years. I'll always remember your biting the water shooting out of the sprinkler, and playing with your sqeaky balls that were always so annoying. You used to love licking everyone, and you were soooo smart. You were special Chewy, thanx for all the love you showed mom throughout dad's stroke and her illness. You have been such a blessing. I love you very much and miss you dearly.

XOXO

7wks 4 dys

That darn tooth is now pulled! WOOT! Can't wait til I can feel my face again though! Least my tongue isn't frozen this time!!
Gotta put my mom's dog down. I'm going to book the apointment for either tomorrow or the next day in the am. He can't stand on his own very well, and when we do get him outside to pee he falls while he's peeing. He hasn't eaten in two days either, so its just cruel to keep him. I'm pretty sad about that, but I mean what else can I do? I don't want him to suffer.
K, off I go for now, gotta relax after getting that tooth pulled.

TTYS
XOXO

7wks 3dys

Hi everyone. I'm having severe tooth ache today, as well as Dec 25th at night, throughout the day on the 26th. I get my second tooth pulled tomorrow at 11:30am. Hopefully that takes care of that pain... argh. I was really hoping they'd take me today, but they're full, argh. Tylanol doesn't work worth crap and I can't take anything else, argh.
Feeling pretty good otherwise, still very tired all the time, some cramping, some emotional stuff. Had a little bit of nausea this morning, not to bad though.
Oh, Christmas was awesome! Maera got spoiled! We got a new camera, so thankfully I'lkl be able to take nice updated pic's of Maera now.
Hope everyone else holidays where awesome too.

TTYS
XOXO

6 wks 5 days preggo

Some cramping, tightness in abdomin, larger heavier breasts, mood swings... I cried while reading a story to Maera lol. I am soooo veeerrrryyyy tired! I love every minute of it!
Off to the Dr's tomorrow morning to see about my wellbutron and pregnancy combo! Then stop by & see Sam... ten to the dollarama to finish getting Maera's & David's stocking things.
Tomorrow night I am going to curl up with my daughter, cook some yummy finger foods, and watch Chriostmas movies with her & daddy... least that's the vision i have in my head anyways hahaha.
Hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas!! Blessings to all of ya's!

TTYS
xoxo

Second BETA came back at 5490!!! I won't get booked in for my first u/s until after the holidays as they're closed.
She was very pleased with my test results and didn't feel further blood work would make a difference. SO now I wait! :):)
Still sinking in that I'm pregnant...

Symptoms have included, fatigue really bad... waking up throughout the night numerous times, freauent urination at night. Tender/sore breasts, lots of dizziness/light headed. Today I am super irritated.

TTYS
XOXO

telling the family

We had the Smith family Christmas this weekend. We took the opportunity to tell the family (well my side anyways :))...  I purchased Maera a shirt that said *Big Sister* on it and had her open it after her and all the kids had opened their other gifts... well it was a better idea than I thought lol. Niff seen it first and was like, what does it say? OOOOHH MYYYY GGGAWWWWD!!! Then my brothers new gf, OOOOH MY GAAWD! The my brother, ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU DIDN'T TELL ME!, Then my dad was overjoyed as well, shocked almost into silence... but when he found his words he was elated. My nieces where very excited too!!! :):) It was awesome!!
Now hopefully everything is still good in there and babes is growing growing. I am still waiting for the results from my second BETA. SOFT clinic is closed for the holidays now, they'll be checking messages every other day, which means now that I have to wait until tuesday now for my results, argh...
I have to book an apointment with my fam doctor reguarding the wellbutron, so I can further discuss that with them.
I'm starting to get more comfortable (if that's the right word) with being pregnant... just need to remember to take my prenatal med's every day! I am so scared of everything... miscarrying is my biggest fear right now. I'm afraid of how Maera is going to take not being the only babes here anymore, I'm hoping she'll embrace being a big sister, she'll almost be three. I'm afraid of being so very tired, my goodness so much has gone through my mind already... but I am so very happy to be pregnant... I mean really... what a Christmas miracle.

TTYS
XOXO

Beta

So my BETA came back at 2416, and as calculated I am about 5 wks pregnant. The nurse that called said that was a really strong number and I cried, oh did I cry. Its a pure miracel... not that each pregnancy isn't... but I mean come on.
I still have fear of miscarriage as I have M/c'd 2 times in the last year... I'm really hoping third times the charm. What an awesome Christmas gift!
I'm actually in shock.

TTYS
XOXO

K... so, uhh Merry Christmas I guess?

So I did a pregnancy test tonight... and it was positive. It was a dollar store test, and it'a super positive... so off I go to Walmart after Hubby gets home from work to buy a more expensive test.
Merry Christmas to us... I can't see how this could be a false positive, the line is waaaay to dark to be false. OMG.
I wuit smoking last month, still haven't touched a smoke. I went to his xmas party last weekend and had more than just a few drinks... I've been on pain meds & anti infection med's for a tooth I just had pulled 2 days ago... and I've been taking advil liquid gels for the pain... so I'm a little nervous.
I checked though and I should only be 5 wks pregnant... almost exactly, so hopefully I haven't done any damage. I am also on Wellbutrin for quitting smoking and using it as an antidepressant due to stress of losing mom and other stuff. She gave me that just incase I got pregnant, its the safest to use, so I'm not to worried about that...
OMG I can't believe it was positive. I didn't use any drugs or anything.. totally natural, and we only had sex once last cycle due to stress ect... what are the chances?

XOXO
TTYS


Dollar store test


Walmart test about 2.5 hrs later

I did it!!!

I quit smoking on my 35th bday, which was Nov. 18th! I actually woke up a non smoker, my last cig. was on the 17th @ 11:30pm. I am very very proud of myself. I have been a nonsmoker for 6 days now!! :):) Tired

Day 1) No real issues, no obssession with smoking or not smoking, no Nic fits, smooth sailing really which shocked me! Night time day 1, kept waking up, jumping legs while I tried to sleep, nervousness. Was a rough night actually. Tired


Day 2) No real issues, I think I had two moments where I wanted to smoke out of pure habit, wasn't even a nicotine craving. I didn't smoke though! Some Nervousness, tired

Day 3) Getting a little tougher... its all about the habit! The situations I was in all reminded me of smoking, was a mental fight. Some nervousness, tired

Day 4) Bad bad stress levels, nervousness... I was soooo irritated! Hardest day so far!! Picturing myself smoking was not good... did some breathing excersizes and went outside in the cool air to keep myself focused. Lots of coughing and chest clearning happening. Taste buds are exploding as well. Tired

Day 5) Not so bad today, just a few thoughts about smoking, coughing continues, odd reactions to some foods, like with the taste. Tired

Day) The odd craving out of habit... other than that not to much. Tired

WOOT! I am super happy about that!! :):)

TTYS
XOXO

Maera's 2nd Bday & Halloween

Our celebrations started out friday the 29th. Uncle Steve, Tressa, Tessa, Hope, Meadow and Trevin all came and stayed over. When all the kids were finally asleep the adults put up the decorations for the festivites the next day!
On the 30th, Maera turned 2! We had a lot of guests over, about 17 kids and their mum's and dads LOL. We had barley enough room to move in here hahaha. IT WAS A WICKED TIME though! :) The craft I set up went perfect, the pumpkin bowling was a hit as always!! We had pizza, YUM! Cake and ice cream! Maera's God Mom; Aunt Sam made her cake, it had dora on it! We had all the kids play drums and use their shaker that they made for the party craft and we made lots of noise!! The kids loved it!! I did too I must admit haha. Then Maera opened gifts (got lots of nice things too! Including Toopy and Binoo items that came from Montreal! Can't find it around here. Lots of dvd's, clothes and other toys... a small keyboard that she can play, a magnet drawing board with chalk board on the other side, which she LOVES! She got crayons and coloring books, and The fridge magnet alphabet pieces that she loves to play with @ daycare!!! She did really well for a 2 year old! haha.) For Maera's party I was Dora and she was Boots... I'll add pic's below!


Posing in her Party costume!! My Little BOOTS!


Pondering & waiting for guests to arrive hehe.


Maera's bday cake by Aunt Sam!! :)


Me as Dora with my Godson!


Dora doing crafts with all the kids! :)

Halloween night was awesome too! We put up some kick ass decorations, left my brother to arm himself with the candy and took Maera trick or treating! She caught on SOOOO fast! lol. She was knocking on doors and saying trick or Treat all by herself by the third house lol. She even said thankyou all by herself! Then she wanted to run to the next house! David and I were laughing at her telling her to slow down hehe. For only 2 she sure caught on fast!! We changed her outfit for trick or treating as it was chilly. She wore three outfits including the costume, which I've added a picture of below.
So overall we had an awesome weekend for a change, couldn't have asked for anything bettet really! So nice!:)

TTYS
XOXO


My cute Dalmation!

wellbutron & life...

So I decided to go on Wellbutron (sp), its the quit smoking drug. I went on it because I figured I needed something to help even my emotions out. But I find myself angry when I'm at home, I'm fine at work, but the second I come home I'm so angry. I've got lots of things going through my head, really analyzing my marriage and how happy I actually am. I am analyzing my emotional well being and mental health as well.
I come home from work and my brother attatches himself to me and won't stop friggin' talking, like he just won't shut up! Then I have Maera screaming and yelling for this and that and crying, the dogs are barking barking becuase they're excited that Maera and I are home... and it drives me MAD! Everyday its the same thing! I seriously feel mental sometimes. Like I am just gunna snap! I'm already on drugs! So what's the next step?? Guess I should be locked up for a bit.
I am however enjoying my grooming job! I have learned a lot and am rather calm when working, probably cause I get to work with animals. The boss is taking us to see Cesar Millan when he comes to London!!! I'm so excited about that!
Maera's birthday plans have been made, and I just have a little more shopping to do. I'm going to hopefully finish that this week.
I am hoping to get to the haunted house in a city not to far from here, apparently its really freaky, so I'm hoping I can get a sitter for that.
K, well that's the update for now... still working on life, which I know will be an ongoing battle... hope you are all well, and I'll try not to leave it so long until my next post.
Thanx for your comments on the last post!!

TTYS
XOXO

crying crying crying... nothing positive in this post...

So I am starting to plan Maera's 2nd birthday... I have some good ideas, but I'm having a moment. You know what's dawned on me? I'm the only female left in both the sloanes and the smith's... its really FUCKING depressing. I'm sitting here crying... I have no other females to talk to in my family to help me plan Maera's 2nd birthday. My one brothers wife cheated on him and I no longer consider her family, stupid bitch doesn't even realise how fucking stupid she is and what a bad move it was. One day she'll realise what a mistake she made and what could have been. She has a daughter that really she could give two shits about, all she thinks about is herself. She's a shitty mom and even worse as a wife, she'll never amount to anything... it's better to not have her as any kind of roll model for my daughter, let alone her own little girl. I'm REALLY disapointed in her life choices, because it did take me a long time to warm up to her, cause I knew she had her issues, and when I finally did create a bond with her... WAAAMO! BIG DISAPOINTMENT! She really helped a lot when mom passed and everything, but she's not the same person, I'm so disapointed in her. It makes me sick and sad and angry, and I feel horrible for my brother and especially my neice.

And my other brother, his gf is moving out east... says she wants to be near 'family and friends'... I guess we don't live upto her expectations... now Doug and I get to listen to Maera asking for MIMI everytime she sees her Uncle. He's got epilepsie and has learning disabilities, I've been working on trying to get social workers and everything, get him into housing and find him an apartment of his own... this will also be the first time he'll be on his own, he's scared and so am I.
My mom is dead and so is my mother in law, and I have no sister in laws on either side now. Maera has no 'actual' Aunts or Nana's or grandma's or nothing to share time with. I'm so disapointed in A and M. Christmas is going to suck ass! I'm sitting here bawling my fucking eyes out, christ sake when are things going to be decent, you know... when am I actually going to feel happy, instead of living each day in a daze?!
At least Maera has Brandi, Sam and Jen as 'Aunt's', but its still not the same thing. It always feels like nothing ever 'works out' for the smith's, everything is always a fucking struggle.
I think I should go talk to a doctor or something... this depression comes in waves, and I just want to be happy, genuinely happy...
It's cd3 today, I start femera AGAIN, we're doing a monitored cycle, no iui.
I am trying to get a new job in town, but haven't heared back from the lady who I was supossed to call. I assume that she's on vacation this week and they just advertised it saturday to see what response they would get.
K, I should go, poor Maera is wondering why mommy's crying.

TTYS
XOXO

15dpo, butterfly conservatory tomorrow

Still waiting for AF. I know I'm not preggers as I did a test yesterday and it was negative. I am still waiting to hear back about my BETA as they didn't get back to me friday. I think when they call I'm going to ask for avandia or something to bring on my period as I know the last two month cycle has been off.
We're taking Maera to the Wings Of Paradise tomorrow, its a butterfly conservatory... she's looking forward to the different bugs hehe. I can't wait to see her expression when all the butterflies are flying around! :)
That's it for now. TTYS

XOXO

13dpo

Hi. So this morning I woke up, then started losing conciousness all morning. I was so tired, and felt sick. I had cold chills and a few hot flashes. (I ate eggs yesterday so we figured that's what it was). I've had af bloatiness and cramps tonight... just waiting for her to start basically. I'm hoping she'll save me the time and poke of going for my BETA tomorrow. I hate going for my BETA and then getting af just afterwards, ticks me off even more lol.
I didn't hear back about that job interview, so I assume I didn't get the job!
That's about it for now, off to la la land!

TTYS
XOXO

11dpo

Headache, tired, bloaty and kinda feel like my blatter has been full lots, but not peeing all that much, maybe UTI? I tested, cause I found a test and it was bfn again. Been cold in the evening too.
Sucks cause I really feel/felt like I was preggers... but alas, this is the curse of pcos, never know whether you're coming or going!

I had a suprise interview today for a full time job doing shipping at a large car part manufacturer, here in town. I don't really know if I'll hear back, but if I do it's to start monday, so bye bye part time dollar store job. On one hand it would be awesome money, and its full days, 7am-3:30pm, which still allows quality time for Maera... but on the other hand, not as much time with Maera... but we do want to buy a house, so what better way to save than get a good paying enjoyable job?! So I'm kinda going back and forth a bit.

Wow my heads hurting, gunna go take some tylenol.

TTYS
XOXO

10dpo

Some cramping, bfn this morning... been emotional, and tired. I hink I'm out this cycle, but mayeb a miracle will happen?! Sometimes hope sucks lol.

TTYS
XOXO

9dpo

Today I've felt sick off and on, not that hungry, crampy, and emotional.I've tested and they were negative, I know it's early, but it doesn't help with confidence. I don'[t really have much else to say, \i'm tired from working all da. So that's it for now.

TTYS
XOXO

8-9dpo

Well, I've been crampy off and on, but not to much activity there. I am stuffed up... n tired, but I worked all day. I can't take my temp because my thermometer is missing. I've done a few more pg tests and they were neg. I know its still way to early, and I always seem to work myself into a poas frenzy, its rediculous.
Although david as cute, he says have u tested anymore? I said no I ran out of test, so he stopped on his way hom from work last night and bought me two first reponse tests, which is unusual for him, cause he doesn't like to spend money on hpt's. I thought it was sweet. I took one and it was negative, so I'll save the other until at least 9-10dpo.
That's about it, I have work in the morning, so I'm off for now.

TTYS
XOXO

7dpo

Today and yesterday I had some light cramping, been sleepy... that's about it really.

*edit to add* I`ve had some rather uncomfortable cramping in my abdomin, almost like AF cramps. And I`ve had a little bit of nausea, loss of apetite... and still sleepy. All very good signs. I`ve also done 3 tests, and got three èvap`type lines... it is only 7dpo now so I`m not going to get excited. I am however going to stay hopeful!

I should get booboo up from her nappernoo, which is what we call it hehe.

DH & I - our 8th wedding anniversary is monday!! YAAAY! 8 years, that`s so awesome! :) Unfortunatley we won`t be doing anything as I work AAAALL weekend... maybe we can fit in a little romantic time sunday evening.

TTYS
XOXO

5dpo, dreams

Hey peeps. Nothing different happening today, some little cramps, slight burning feeling but not for very long... I've been sleepy, but that could be explained below. I've been a little gasy gasy, but I've started eating 12 grain bread/toast in the am with peanut butter as it's much healthier and keeps you full for a long time, tastes good too! I know that's a little tmi, but I want to write down all my symptoms n stuff so I can reffer back to it.

I am having vived dreams of mom as well, all of which she is of course dead in them. I believe its a coping mechanism, but I wish I either wouldn't dream of her, or she was alive in them.
Last nights dream was horrible. I woke up sobbing, litterally. In the dream I had put mom in a home and left her there, didn't visit or nothing, I was to busy with 'the boys'. Anyways, I rec'd 'the call' that she had died, and they wanted me to go in and collect her things. First off, when they called I was shocked because it was like I had totally forgotten that she was dieing and I had put her in that home. When I get there they presented me with a picture of her standing in her housecoat and her walker was in front of her, with a nurse on each side of her. They were all smiling and she was holding a sign which read "HCG = 468" or some other number. Anyways, they were all quite happy, I remember being confused that they did an HCG test on her for one thing, so I asked why they did that; the nurse simply said it was for research and quite often their patients have positive hcg results close to the end???!! So to say the least I've been disturbed aaaall day, and this morning I was edgy and grumpy. I know we've been ttc and we've had 2 m/c in the last year... one of which was right after mom's death. So I dunno. David says its maybe a message from her saying to expect a pregnancy soon, but I dunno. Her still dieing in the dream really struck a cord. I actually cried in my sleep I think, which is what woke me up. I just so tired of dreaming of her. Not that I want to forget her, but t makes me really sad that I can't see her in any other way. I just wish the dreams had happier endings, isn't that what a dream is supo9ssed to be? Not a nightmare?!
Here's to hoping I have a restful sleep tonight... dreamless.

TTYS
XOXO

4dpo

Well, 4dpo, had some cramping earlier today, now I have a tummy ache. Been sleeeeepy too, but that about does it. These can all be explained away by simple things, but I'm going to try and stay positive!
When I o'd this cycle I had a lot of movement in my abdomin, lots of tweeks and butterflies, it was actually really weird. Like to the point where I could like at my tummy and I could see it moving, so I know I definatley o'd, even aside from the blood work confirmation.
There's a lot of personal things happening to both my brother, one of which I cannot discuss, but the other... when mom got really sick she moved in with dh and I, therefor D had to move into his own place, he did with his gf. Well he's on ODSP, (epileptic). Anyways, his gf has now decided she is moving out east, gave notice for the apartment they're in, and THEN informed D she's done this. SO the stress alone is killing him, he's seizured. SO I've been busy with him going to make sure his money can be increased and trying to get him an apartment. The wait list for subsidized housing is at least a year long. SO now we have to find him some crummy ass apartment that he can afford. Although we do have an apointment tomorrow morning to view the first one. SO things are really very busy around here right now, still! Would be nice for things to go smoothly for all of us for once.
DH and I are doing well, which is nice. Well I think we're happy anyways hehe. Could be happier with more money, and our own morgage, but tha'll come in time.
K, I've rambled, time to go for now. TC!

TTYS
XOXO

"O'd" to cd 12!

I o'd today, we've bd'd for 2 nights and will continue to do so. I have some terrible Oing cramps, but its' worth it! So I go for BETA in 2 weeks from today. I'de really like to get preggers... and have it stick.
I was looking through some old pic's of Maera, can't believe how much she grown and changed so quickly in the last 21 months. I also found a video I took of her dancing in the womb and my belly rolling with her... and I remembered how good it felt to feel her in there moving, I can't wait to feel that again. And I can't wait to breast feed again. Although I know it was be my last pregnancy, I can't wait!! I love being a mommy!

TTYS
XOXO

cd 10 = follie @ 18mm? wow!

Had my b/w & u/s I have a follie at 18mm on the right side, b/w tomorrow morning again to see if I'm going to surge. We're going natural this cycle and probably next cycle as well.
We want to buy our own house. I think we should sit with a realtor to see what benefits we get for first time buyers and what we need to do in order to obtain our goal as homeowners. See if I can book an apointment for when David's home. He works aaaalll day everyday, so that'll be difficult, and I work basically every saturday. I dunno if they'll take us on a sunday but we can call n see! I've been checking out the MLS listings in town here, I don't want anything over $140 or so cause then we won't be house poor. I am happy to be focusing on something positive, lets hope I can keep it that way.
Alright, gotta go for now n make supper for Maera and I! TC!

TTYS
XOXO

plans...

I think our plans start with the basement, and getting it emptied to the best of our abilities. Lots to sort through, three piles, SELL/KEEP/TOSS. I'm looking forward to getting that done.
We've let Dh's dad know that we don't want to purchase this home, so our plan is to get our finances straightened out and save for a townhouse or small house of our own. I think his dad was a bit shocked when dh told him, but none the less, it feels better to have finally made a decision on that. When we first moved in here his dad said he'd give us our downpayment for a mortage if we decided not to purchase this home. He'de give us the ,money from the sale of this place; tonight when DH asked about that aspect of things his dad was like, well uuhhh. SO it kinda feel like all the time and money we've put into this place has been a waste of time, accept to make it nicer for us to live in. Aww well, I'm not really suprised at all, we can't seem to live upto his families expectations anyways, so them's the breaks!
Baby #2 coming soon hopefully as well. All of our goals are attainable, it's just going to take patients and time... so here's to hoping we can stay focused on our dreams.
Well, my snack is almost done, so it's time to east. MMM perogies and pizza sauce as a dip. My mouth is watering!

TTYS
XOXO

picture

It's a little fuzzy and stuff, but here's the most recent picture I have. I'll take some new ones this weekend and post them next week. TTYS.

so apparently

I am to make today day3 of my cycle and start taking femera. They of course want to monitor me as I shouldn`t be bleeding like I have been this month. They said the numbers came back as if this was the start of my month... so then what was it a week and a half ago that made me bleed... *shrug*. Guess I`ll just go with the flow!

TTYS
XOXO

I just really want to enjoy life, and I can't. I think I am going to call the dr and see about anti depressants for a little while. Everything feels uncertain... I've been trying to make changes, but not much seems to be going my way. Walls pop up everytime I try moving forward.
I have had 7 days this month without a period or spotting, my period came 3 seperate times... knowing my luck it's something really bad, cause I can't seem to catch a break. I go tomorrow for blood work to check my hormones. I was thinking about getting my diabeties test done as well, cause I am probably most likely diabetic.
We can't seem to catch up on bills, creditors call, and we're behind on everything. We have no real money for 'fun'. Haven't even baught Maera a new toy in a very long time... I feel really bad for that. I know she's not suffering or anything, but still. Id'e like to buy her a little something.
DH hasn't and doesn't make any real steps towards getting through all our things and throwing stuff we don't need out, like I'm supossed to do it all. We have to much junk and not enough space! I feel like I'm gunna snap.
My brothers are both going through some really rough emotional things, and because mom's gone, I've taken 'her place' type thing. I'm cool with being relied on and am happy they can both come to me, but I'm feeling overwhelmed right now.
I got through all of mom's things and sent them to their appropriate places, so that's taken care of, and that was hard. I did it all in a week... it was a hard week last week.
I feel like I haven't smiled in months, like truly actually smiled... with acception to the cute things Maera says and does. I do my best to stay energetic and happy for her, and she seems to be fine, I just wish I knew what I wanted and had a plan layed down for my future.
I've been wanting to take the dog grooming course and can't because I don't have the money. $6200 before taxes. I emailed the guy and he responded yestday to say he didn't think OSAP funded courses less than 12 weeks long... so here I sit working part time, making minimum wage at the dollar store.
Every little thing seems to get to me ten fold... and I know its because I'm depressed, but if things would just start working out for me, life would be much better.
Sorry I don't really have anything positive to say, but that's why I stopped posting here, because things are just relaly hard right now.
Anyways, that's a quick update, and when I get a new camera I'll post updated pic's of Maera.
That's it for now.

XOXO

wowsers

Hi ladies. Thanx for all your condolences and thoughts reguarding my mother. I appreciate it. Things have been really hectic, lots going on. Trying to take care of estate things, she didn't actually complete the will, so that made everything just that much more difficult.
Friday I did a hpt and it came back a very faint positive, so I did two more, this time first response, they came back light positive... so today I went and got a BETA, and it was 11, so it's low low low, probably a chemical pregnancy. I don't know what cd I'm on either... I am sitting staring at the pregnancy tests and can't believe they show positive and I know that my level is 11... it was like a gift from my mother, I conceived a week or so after her passing... its really sad that things aren't going my way.
Things have been sad, and depressing really, like there's a black cloud hanging over our heads, I really thought it had lifted once I found out I was pregnant, but apparently not... just another thunderbolt of lightening to strike me down.
When things get a little more positive I'll come back with another update and check in on everyone else.

April 8th at 6:44am

I rec'd a call from Sakura House to tell me that mom had passed away. May she rest in the peace I know she finally got after her long battle with cancer.
I've taken care of funeral arrangments, and will be going with them tomorrow when they take mom to be cremated. I have to puyrchase her plot as well.
I'm doing my best to stay strong for everyone, but now its time to relax and take time for me.
My God I'm going to miss calling her, hearing her voice, and listening to her complain *grin*. I love you mom, you're my hero.
That's all I got for now.
Thanx for your continued support everyone.

Much love,
TTYS
XOXO

Just sad

Today I'm sad. I go on wednesday to the funeral home to make arrangements for mom's funeral for when she passes away. Her pain is increasing and they're giving her a morphine pump to help control the pain. She's getting confused every morning now.
Today I was the only one she would see. I went for my visit and took her outside to feel the wind in her hair. We sat outside for about 10 minutes and I helped her back to bed, it was good to get her out of her room though.
I'm so very tired and sad today. It's hard to be strong for everyone else when you are having a hard time be strong for yourself. I guess I'm entitled to a day or two like this.
Anyways, that's all I've got in me today. Hope you're all well.

TTYS
XOXO

if it doesn`t rain... get ready for this...

So mom came home from ICU, for a day and a half... I found her again at 4:45am and she wouldn't rowse for me. She had mucus coming from her nose and mouth, her ears and fingers were blue. They weren't sure if they could revive her this time. They put her back on life support and she did start breathing on her own again. But ended up having a couple of seizures and a lot of memory loss. She lost all ability to feed herself and we couldn't really carry on a conversation with her because she wasn't making any sense when she spoke. She referred to things like violet and red and just odd things. It's been such an emotional and stresseful two weeks.
She's stable now and we can carry on a conversation with her, she's eating on her own. She still isn't able to get out of bed unassisted. She's presently in Paliative care at the hospital.
Tomorrow David and I are going to a place called Sakura House. Toyota donated it to VON. It's a million dollar home that houses 10 rooms for palliative care patients. They're goal is to give quality of life for there patients. I guess they're like little apartments, they even have decks for the patients to sit out on. Tv's, love seat & sofa, all the makings of your own apartment. Plus if mom wanted me to stay over night I could because there's a guest pull out bed. They have doctors and nurses on staff as well. She's already been accepted I believe so the head nurse at the hospital just needs me to confirm mom's wishes. So I told mom I would take pictures to show her.
Today I had to explain to my mom why she was were she was at (palliative care). Now we've explained this to her a few time over the course of the last 2 weeks, but this time I think she understands better.
I`ve had to have some pretty hard conversations with mom over the last week imparticular. The first one was if she wanted to be resesitated if this happens again, which she doesn`t... we also had to go over her will and where she wanted her things to go... and today I had to explain to her for the 4th-5th time what happened over the course of the last two weeks. Today was hard because I basically had to say to her that her lungs are dieing and her body is losing its drive to breath... I told her that if she was to come home things would end quickly because I can`t monitor her oxygen level and her blood sugars and all the other stuff the hospital or Sakura house can monitor. I talked to her on the phone tonight, she`s been feeling more pain in her back, because this cancer pulls the scar tissue from her previous operations... so they gave her a shot of morphine. So she`s feeling not so bad tonight... well physically anyways.
I haven`t been able to bring Maera up to see her because Maera caught bronchitis and strep throat in the middle of all this. So she`s on meds.
My back went out... I seen the chiropractor and he helped a lot... but then my mom went into the hospital the second time and I pinched the L or p5 nerve in my back... I was in so much pain all I could do was cry... my right leg went numb and I couldn`t control the muscles. I went to the hospital and they shot me up with two different drugs, then some morphine afterwards... and now I`m on celebrex until the chiropractor can fix me. I can move my leg now, but don`t have a lot of strength in it, and it`s still numb.
So much is up in the air right now with everything. I was thinking and I don`t know what to do with myself because mom`s not home... I have Maera... but now I`m confused about my own personal journey. I want another baby, and this should happen before I hit the big 35 in Nov.. although its not going to happen I would stil make it as close to that as possible. I also want to goto school and get my dog grooming lisence. But the school here in town isn`t holding any classes until next year. I have so many things going through my mind... everything feels so up in the air. I am missing my mom... and I am very sad that we are losing her... Maera won`t have a granny when mom passes as we lost David`s mom to cancer 3 yrs ago.
Anyways, that`s all I got in me tonight ladies.

Thankyou for all the kind comments and support. I love you all.

TTYS
XOXO

ICU & LIfe support

Not so good time for mom the last couple days. I woke up yesterday to find her laying on the floor and she wouldn't wakeup for me. She fell at the end of her bed. I called 911 and they couldn't wake her either. She ended up on life support yesterday and they finally removed it today. There has been problems with her oxygen v/s Co2 levels, along with aaaall the drugs she's on and the growths in her lungs. SHe barley has enough room to breathe to begin with, that coupled with all the narcotis she's on and the rather high Co2 level her body requires in order to breath, life has been hard for her.
Today we were able to talk and she was co-herant ect. I was very afraid it was me giving her the wrong amount of drugs, but it wasn't... they just had prescribed to many for her. It really makes me mad too, because mom and I inquired 3 times as to why she was on so many pain killers and such to 2 different dr's, we wanted to take some of them away. But the dr's give you excuses like, oh I can't make any changes to drugs I didn't perscribe, or you have to take that in order to counteract the side effects from this other drugs... its rediculous! Now look at what happened!
Things haven't been looking so hot for her the last couple days. So I'm hoping she gets some better news tomorrow. I hope she can continue to breath on her own. I'm afraid to have her home in the condition she's in now. I'm thankful they're keeping her for 2-3 more days. They told her it was because she 'needed the IV for 2-3 more days'. She's happy with that ... so, so am I lol.
I'll be calling community care access to come in and do her drugs from now on, and to help out that way I won't feel so responsible for things tat aren't my fault the next time this happens. I don't really know when she's coming home, or if she can come home, but those are the plans.

Sorry, but that's all the energy I've got for tonight. Things have been very stressful so OI'm gunna goto bed early tonight. I'll update again as soon as I get a chance.

TTYS
XOXO

Annnd I'm back! LOL

Hi ppl's, if you still check if I'm alive over here. I know it's been a while, but things have been rather hectic. Lots has changed in my life, and lots of adjustments.


Well, mom moved in, and we moved Doug and Micheline into their new place, everyone seems cozy now lol. Mom started her radiation treatments 3 weeks ago, so I've been very busy with driving her back and forth for that. She's doing very well with her treatments. We go every day of the week, it's a 3 hour round trip, with the acception of once a week where we stay to visit with the radiation Dr. Those days are a lot longer. They are fabulous at the London Cancer clinic though, and are really good with answering questions.



The radiation is shrinking the spot on her back, but that's the only place they can radiate, cause apparently ya can't do radiation on the lungs. So we had our appointment with the chemo specialist last week... found out that mums cancer is so rare that out of the 5000 new patients they get a year, 1-6 ppl have what she does... wow eh? So they're still learning about her type of cancer. But the promising thing is that they can hopefully stop the growth with Alieve and another Estrogen blocking medication. If that doesn't work then they can do Chemo, but it takes a long time for that to kick in and start possibly shrinking these things.

So I quite my job in Jan, mom asked if I could stay home if she increased what she was paying for 'rent'. I spoke with David and he agreed it would be best. We didn't like how Maera was reacting to not being around us as well. That's another story in itself. So I've been the perverberal house wife since then. It was really hard at the beginning to get into the groove of being home again. I worked 4 months, a 2 hour commute daily for both Maera and I, plus a 7 hour shift, then home to cook supper ect ect. Now I know a lot of women do this and they're okay with it, but for me I was tired all the time, and din't have the energy in the evening for maera like I wanted too. Plus helping mom and doing housework on top of all that was not so good. Things are still really busy with driving back and forth daily for mom's apointments, but its different because I don't have to drop Maera off at someones house every day and worry about her well being. I have time to do housework... well the last week has been difficult because apointment times have been in the middle of the day.

Now, how have I been doing with all this change? Well for the most part I'm okay with it. Money is an issue, although it always has been, and probably always will be, because we never seem to have enough of it lol. Not even when I was working. I kinda feel like I've put all my dreams and personal goals on the back shelf for other ppl, and It is bothering me more and more. I really want to get my grooming lisence, but can't because I have not time right now. Although that will be changing in a couple weeks, it's a 6 wk course and I have to be able to pay for a sitter, which runs $30/day. I don't think the gov't will pay for that and my course. I like being home and I like that I can be there for other ppl, but sometimes I feel like what Jenn wants, gets lost in the shuffle.

Now David says he does want another child, but we're back to the money issue and the time to get the procedures done that we need in order to get pregnant again, and we're on a time limit here. I'll be 35 in nov, and I know my chances go down a percentage even more... no preassure though lol. So I'm confused about a lot of things right now and am trying to keep my head straight on things.

I'm gunna take some time over the next few days and see if I can catch up with all of your blogs... It's difficult to get time along when mom's up and David's home and Maera's up... Everyone seems to require my 100% attention. Now Maera I of course don't mind lol, but I mean the adults should understand I need a few minutes alone, without someone looking over my shoulder and expecting something of me. So I'll get to each of you shortly. I hope you've all been well.

TTYL
XOXO