crying crying crying... nothing positive in this post...

So I am starting to plan Maera's 2nd birthday... I have some good ideas, but I'm having a moment. You know what's dawned on me? I'm the only female left in both the sloanes and the smith's... its really FUCKING depressing. I'm sitting here crying... I have no other females to talk to in my family to help me plan Maera's 2nd birthday. My one brothers wife cheated on him and I no longer consider her family, stupid bitch doesn't even realise how fucking stupid she is and what a bad move it was. One day she'll realise what a mistake she made and what could have been. She has a daughter that really she could give two shits about, all she thinks about is herself. She's a shitty mom and even worse as a wife, she'll never amount to anything... it's better to not have her as any kind of roll model for my daughter, let alone her own little girl. I'm REALLY disapointed in her life choices, because it did take me a long time to warm up to her, cause I knew she had her issues, and when I finally did create a bond with her... WAAAMO! BIG DISAPOINTMENT! She really helped a lot when mom passed and everything, but she's not the same person, I'm so disapointed in her. It makes me sick and sad and angry, and I feel horrible for my brother and especially my neice.

And my other brother, his gf is moving out east... says she wants to be near 'family and friends'... I guess we don't live upto her expectations... now Doug and I get to listen to Maera asking for MIMI everytime she sees her Uncle. He's got epilepsie and has learning disabilities, I've been working on trying to get social workers and everything, get him into housing and find him an apartment of his own... this will also be the first time he'll be on his own, he's scared and so am I.
My mom is dead and so is my mother in law, and I have no sister in laws on either side now. Maera has no 'actual' Aunts or Nana's or grandma's or nothing to share time with. I'm so disapointed in A and M. Christmas is going to suck ass! I'm sitting here bawling my fucking eyes out, christ sake when are things going to be decent, you know... when am I actually going to feel happy, instead of living each day in a daze?!
At least Maera has Brandi, Sam and Jen as 'Aunt's', but its still not the same thing. It always feels like nothing ever 'works out' for the smith's, everything is always a fucking struggle.
I think I should go talk to a doctor or something... this depression comes in waves, and I just want to be happy, genuinely happy...
It's cd3 today, I start femera AGAIN, we're doing a monitored cycle, no iui.
I am trying to get a new job in town, but haven't heared back from the lady who I was supossed to call. I assume that she's on vacation this week and they just advertised it saturday to see what response they would get.
K, I should go, poor Maera is wondering why mommy's crying.

TTYS
XOXO