Things are really busy around here, sorry for the delay between postings. Maera's surgery is this next tuesday, bachelorette party this saturday, wedding next saturday. Then I go back to work, then move my mom in here in the middle of october... and move my brother to his gf's place. I started moving some of my moms stuff in tonight, I'm having a hard time finding room for all the kitchen stuff...
I'm feeling really overwhelmed, but I'm sure I'll feel better after next week is done... WAY to much going on in just a week. I may not be on until after next week, but I shall try and update after Maera's surgery.
Take care all
TTYS
XOXO
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Today I accomplished painting three closet doors, which I'll have to do the third coat on tomorrow. Tomorrow morning I have to go back to the dental surgeon to see about some bone that has broken through my gum due to them removing my wisdom tooth and the one next to it. I dunno what they're going to do about it... I hate that mouth freezing stuff.
They're also coming to fix my furnace tomorrow evning which will be good, right now when its on it runs water everywhere. We've had to rip out carpet in the basement, so now its all crappy down there.
We need to get new caropet for the basement before my mom moves in. She's taking over the living room upstairs and the back bedroom. We're going to complete the wood floor installation in her bedroom this weekend.
David won't be home until saturday late afternoon which sux ass. We have a wedding at 1:30 saturday that he won't be able to attend due to work. So Maera and I are going by ourselves. I feel like a single parent.
K, that's it for tonight. Take care!
TTYS
They're also coming to fix my furnace tomorrow evning which will be good, right now when its on it runs water everywhere. We've had to rip out carpet in the basement, so now its all crappy down there.
We need to get new caropet for the basement before my mom moves in. She's taking over the living room upstairs and the back bedroom. We're going to complete the wood floor installation in her bedroom this weekend.
David won't be home until saturday late afternoon which sux ass. We have a wedding at 1:30 saturday that he won't be able to attend due to work. So Maera and I are going by ourselves. I feel like a single parent.
K, that's it for tonight. Take care!
TTYS
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
OMG I'm so sad lately. There's so many stressful things happening in my life right now its hard to keep everything in order. I broke down today, really bad... I couldn't stop crying for an hour or so, I'm so tired now.
I went and had a family meeting with my mom, one brother and his gf. They've decided to move to the same town as me, we had to go speak with ODSP to see about getting his cheque fixed and see what they could do to help him move on his own (like first & last ect). So we did get something accomplished today. (Mom's moving in with us in oct.)
I came home and all my drains where backing up, I have a really bad runny faucet downstairs and one upstairs. I had to call an old family friend to come over and fix it, he's a plumber now. So he got the drains cleared and put a new washer in the one tap to temporarily stop the major run we had going on. He says it needs to be replaced ect. He'll be sending the bill to the in-laws and talking to them about coming back to replace the taps ect.
I tried doing a load of laundry after he left and neither the washer nor the dryer worked... so I called him and he was nice enough to come back (david is on the rd and won't be back until the weekend)... he said he didn't do anything, but they both work now. We were both a little flabergasted as to what happened there. I think he turned the breaker on and off and that made it work...
So I'm gunna go and see if it completed the washing.
There's so much more to blog about... in time.
TTYS
XOXO
I went and had a family meeting with my mom, one brother and his gf. They've decided to move to the same town as me, we had to go speak with ODSP to see about getting his cheque fixed and see what they could do to help him move on his own (like first & last ect). So we did get something accomplished today. (Mom's moving in with us in oct.)
I came home and all my drains where backing up, I have a really bad runny faucet downstairs and one upstairs. I had to call an old family friend to come over and fix it, he's a plumber now. So he got the drains cleared and put a new washer in the one tap to temporarily stop the major run we had going on. He says it needs to be replaced ect. He'll be sending the bill to the in-laws and talking to them about coming back to replace the taps ect.
I tried doing a load of laundry after he left and neither the washer nor the dryer worked... so I called him and he was nice enough to come back (david is on the rd and won't be back until the weekend)... he said he didn't do anything, but they both work now. We were both a little flabergasted as to what happened there. I think he turned the breaker on and off and that made it work...
So I'm gunna go and see if it completed the washing.
There's so much more to blog about... in time.
TTYS
XOXO
Monday, August 31, 2009
If it doesn't rain it pours....
Well I miscarried, it started friday... had my BETA today and my level is at 0. I'm glad its done.
During my time away my mother had to call 911 for herself, she had rapid heartbeat again. Now she's on oxygen for the rest of her life. She'll now be moving in here so I can take care of her until she passes I guess. I'm so very sad, which makes what I'm feeling sound cheap. Part of me says I don't want to live the next chapter of my life. We knew it was coming... this part... but it doesn't make it any easier. And I have to be the strong one and take care of her, which I want to, because she took care of me. I just don't know how I'm going to handle things.
2 hrs later...
I just had a friend stop by for a coffee, she was helpful in helping me sort some things out in my brain. She's an old friend, actually we used to call each other sister because we grew up together. We just re-united when david and I moved back to town. I said that I felt bad because she came back into my life when the shits gunna hit the fan, and she laughed and said what are sister for. It's nice to know we can still talk like we used to... specially after a good 13-15 years. It's nice to be reconnecting with her.
I have much more I'de like to write about, but after my visit I'm feeling pretty good, so we'll leave that wound closed until it opens again.
That's it for now.
TTYS
XOXO
During my time away my mother had to call 911 for herself, she had rapid heartbeat again. Now she's on oxygen for the rest of her life. She'll now be moving in here so I can take care of her until she passes I guess. I'm so very sad, which makes what I'm feeling sound cheap. Part of me says I don't want to live the next chapter of my life. We knew it was coming... this part... but it doesn't make it any easier. And I have to be the strong one and take care of her, which I want to, because she took care of me. I just don't know how I'm going to handle things.
2 hrs later...
I just had a friend stop by for a coffee, she was helpful in helping me sort some things out in my brain. She's an old friend, actually we used to call each other sister because we grew up together. We just re-united when david and I moved back to town. I said that I felt bad because she came back into my life when the shits gunna hit the fan, and she laughed and said what are sister for. It's nice to know we can still talk like we used to... specially after a good 13-15 years. It's nice to be reconnecting with her.
I have much more I'de like to write about, but after my visit I'm feeling pretty good, so we'll leave that wound closed until it opens again.
That's it for now.
TTYS
XOXO
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Today = Meh!
I think I'm getting more and more depressed as time goes on here. I'm doing my best to stay positive and keep myself busy until this is all over with. But today I found that I couldn't go onto my normal message boards to chat because I don't want to bombard them with my depression. There are a couple of the ladies who got bfp's the last two days, I am very happy for them, and I wish I could express it a little better, but I can't help but cry when I read their posts... because just last week I wrote the same post.
My mom called today, I usually talk to her every day, I missed yesterday and she ended up calling me today before I could call her. She wanted to know if I was okay... I just told her I was keeping myself busy. She asked if I started to bleed yet and I said no, she didn't really know what to say after that. I love my mom, she asks the right questions at the right time in the right tone. I should call her back again befor bed.
David will finally be home sometime tonight after being gone with work. It'll be nice to have him home. We leave tomorrow for our trip. I am looking forward to it, but the other part of me hopes I don't bleed now until I'm back home on sunday, I'de like to try and 'forget' for a day, at least for a nice visit and to enjoy the cousins wedding.
Today I did some house work, including de-weeding a small garden out front and the weeds from the sidewalk/driveway. Maera was outside with me in her bouncy thing and she was having a hoot, screaming and laughing and doing raspberries. She was funny with her feet on the grass, took her a minute to relax and start bouncing hehe. She's a sweetheart. And it was nice getting my hands in the earth, even if it was weeds hehe.
Well ladies, that's it for now. I won't be back now until sunday or monday. Take care
TTYS
XOXO
My mom called today, I usually talk to her every day, I missed yesterday and she ended up calling me today before I could call her. She wanted to know if I was okay... I just told her I was keeping myself busy. She asked if I started to bleed yet and I said no, she didn't really know what to say after that. I love my mom, she asks the right questions at the right time in the right tone. I should call her back again befor bed.
David will finally be home sometime tonight after being gone with work. It'll be nice to have him home. We leave tomorrow for our trip. I am looking forward to it, but the other part of me hopes I don't bleed now until I'm back home on sunday, I'de like to try and 'forget' for a day, at least for a nice visit and to enjoy the cousins wedding.
Today I did some house work, including de-weeding a small garden out front and the weeds from the sidewalk/driveway. Maera was outside with me in her bouncy thing and she was having a hoot, screaming and laughing and doing raspberries. She was funny with her feet on the grass, took her a minute to relax and start bouncing hehe. She's a sweetheart. And it was nice getting my hands in the earth, even if it was weeds hehe.
Well ladies, that's it for now. I won't be back now until sunday or monday. Take care
TTYS
XOXO
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Bitter sweet
Thanx everyone for your wonderful comments. I appreciate it. I also appreciate you being open with your experiences, and sharing them with me. It really does help. I am still waiting for something to happen... I felt sick today, all day basically, but nothing else is happening.
I had fun with Maera, and ended up doing laundry aaaaall day. I went through all her clothes too and put them in the size appropriate boxes so it'll be easier for when she gets to those sizes. She learned how to talk (well you know, dadada mamama ect), into her toy microphone today. I also noticed that she's starting to be able to re-stack those rings on the ring toy. I'm so proud of her.
We're going to my brothers place this weekend for 4 days, and a wedding just an hour away from his place. I'm looking forward to the 'vacation'. It'll be nice to spend some time with him and my sis-in-law and neice. K, well that's about it for now. Thanx again everyone for your understanding!
TTYS
XOXO
P.S = below I have added how the miscarriage is effecting my emotions and such and will hopefully making it a daily blog, as this blog is a great healing tool. So don't feel obligated to read any further, its actually just for my own personal healing. But thanx for tunning in to the above!! And thanx again for your previous messages of support.
~~
After some pondering... how I'm truly feeling inside... (You may not want to read this.)
I believe things happen for a reason.
It takes a lot of the 'right things' to happen all at once to create life, trust me I know from experience! For those who believe it just happens, like la di da... you're 100% wrong. So ya, I'm a little pissed off that I am miscarrying. I'm angry because the universe can be cruel and things like this can happen.
This was supossed to complete my family... 9 months from now I am supossed to be holding a healthy, crying baby, wrapped in those hospital blankets, slowly attaching him/her to my breast to feed for the very first time as my husband and I fall in love with our second child. I'm supossed to be buying those cute shirts for Maera that say "I'm a big sister". I'm supossed to be calling mom and crying because I'm sooo tired, but smiling inside... always smiling... But nope... I guess not yet. I HATE waiting. And you know what REALLY sucks, is that now... NOW I have to WAIT to miscarry... what a sick joke! What a stupid sick joke!
I'm am also angry because now I have to spread my legs open and get injected with my husbands sperm from basically a total stranger, after taking foreign chemicals to MAKE my body do what its supossed to do and create an egg with which the sperm is supossed to unite and create life. Because I have something called PCOS things are a little more complicated. Lord knows how many more times I get to look forward to that in order to get pregnant. I sure wish it would 'just happen'. I'm sure there will be another time when I will get pregnant and have a healthy baby, but for right now... right this minute I'm pissed... and I'm aloud to be. Ya know I will work just as hard for our second child... and HAVE worked just as hard... and now I'm miscarrying it.
You know I am blessed to have Maera, and I don't need to be reminded of that at all. Everytime I look at her beautiful face I know how blessed I am. Everytime I change a stinky bum, or cuddle because she's fallen down after trying to stand up on her own, every night when I look in on her before my bed time... I love her with all my heart and that will never change. She took 6 long years of pokes, prods, 3 different sets of dr's, a dozen chemical cocktails and a lot of heartache, waiting, more waiting and yearning. I am glad I did it or she wouldnt be here; So Yes I know I am blessed. I just wish it was easier for me to get pregnant! I feel more blessed than I believe anyone else can understand... accept for those who have been where I have. I love her with every ounce of myself. And I remember when I was growing up what it was like to have my brothers to play with and hang out with, talk to if I needed it. There was always someone there for me, my age, David had the same thing... and we want that for Maera.
This misscarriage does NOT go along with my life plan. I was supossed to get pregnant before I went back to work in october, to collect enough hours to get back on MAT leave for when I gave birth. Maera would have had a sybling that was around her age... I would have had the baby before I hit 35. And in 5 years from now I could have started schooling for a career.
I guess its time to formulate a new plan...
Truly, right now my heart aches
~~~~~
I had fun with Maera, and ended up doing laundry aaaaall day. I went through all her clothes too and put them in the size appropriate boxes so it'll be easier for when she gets to those sizes. She learned how to talk (well you know, dadada mamama ect), into her toy microphone today. I also noticed that she's starting to be able to re-stack those rings on the ring toy. I'm so proud of her.
We're going to my brothers place this weekend for 4 days, and a wedding just an hour away from his place. I'm looking forward to the 'vacation'. It'll be nice to spend some time with him and my sis-in-law and neice. K, well that's about it for now. Thanx again everyone for your understanding!
TTYS
XOXO
P.S = below I have added how the miscarriage is effecting my emotions and such and will hopefully making it a daily blog, as this blog is a great healing tool. So don't feel obligated to read any further, its actually just for my own personal healing. But thanx for tunning in to the above!! And thanx again for your previous messages of support.
~~
After some pondering... how I'm truly feeling inside... (You may not want to read this.)
I believe things happen for a reason.
It takes a lot of the 'right things' to happen all at once to create life, trust me I know from experience! For those who believe it just happens, like la di da... you're 100% wrong. So ya, I'm a little pissed off that I am miscarrying. I'm angry because the universe can be cruel and things like this can happen.
This was supossed to complete my family... 9 months from now I am supossed to be holding a healthy, crying baby, wrapped in those hospital blankets, slowly attaching him/her to my breast to feed for the very first time as my husband and I fall in love with our second child. I'm supossed to be buying those cute shirts for Maera that say "I'm a big sister". I'm supossed to be calling mom and crying because I'm sooo tired, but smiling inside... always smiling... But nope... I guess not yet. I HATE waiting. And you know what REALLY sucks, is that now... NOW I have to WAIT to miscarry... what a sick joke! What a stupid sick joke!
I'm am also angry because now I have to spread my legs open and get injected with my husbands sperm from basically a total stranger, after taking foreign chemicals to MAKE my body do what its supossed to do and create an egg with which the sperm is supossed to unite and create life. Because I have something called PCOS things are a little more complicated. Lord knows how many more times I get to look forward to that in order to get pregnant. I sure wish it would 'just happen'. I'm sure there will be another time when I will get pregnant and have a healthy baby, but for right now... right this minute I'm pissed... and I'm aloud to be. Ya know I will work just as hard for our second child... and HAVE worked just as hard... and now I'm miscarrying it.
You know I am blessed to have Maera, and I don't need to be reminded of that at all. Everytime I look at her beautiful face I know how blessed I am. Everytime I change a stinky bum, or cuddle because she's fallen down after trying to stand up on her own, every night when I look in on her before my bed time... I love her with all my heart and that will never change. She took 6 long years of pokes, prods, 3 different sets of dr's, a dozen chemical cocktails and a lot of heartache, waiting, more waiting and yearning. I am glad I did it or she wouldnt be here; So Yes I know I am blessed. I just wish it was easier for me to get pregnant! I feel more blessed than I believe anyone else can understand... accept for those who have been where I have. I love her with every ounce of myself. And I remember when I was growing up what it was like to have my brothers to play with and hang out with, talk to if I needed it. There was always someone there for me, my age, David had the same thing... and we want that for Maera.
This misscarriage does NOT go along with my life plan. I was supossed to get pregnant before I went back to work in october, to collect enough hours to get back on MAT leave for when I gave birth. Maera would have had a sybling that was around her age... I would have had the baby before I hit 35. And in 5 years from now I could have started schooling for a career.
I guess its time to formulate a new plan...
Truly, right now my heart aches
~~~~~
Monday, August 24, 2009
21 dpo BETA
Well, I am definatley going to miscarry, it's in the works now. My HCG level was at 38.4 today... I hope it goes quickly so I can move on. I know that may sound cold to some, but I would rather it be over with now.
I'm guessing it's a chemical pregnancy due to the fact the numbers are going down, and I hope I just get a heavy period. I don't want a D&C, although that hasn't been suggested by the dr's, I've googled it and it sounds just horrible.
It's sad to know this baby would have completed our family, and now all the hopes that were built up so quickly have come crashing down. What a roller coaster of emotions this month after all the negative hpt's, then the low BETA'S. I'll be glad when its done. I'm tired of thinking about it to be honest.
I'm also glad that the universe didn't continue the pregnancy if there was chromosone problems, I wouldn't have wanted the baby to be born without a lung or with no limbs, that would have been cruel.
I am glad that the ppl we told have now been told I am miscarrying, cause let me tell you the thought of calling everyone and actually hearing them say 'I'm sorry' over and over again was hard. I didn't want to hear it. I don't want pitty either. This is all part of trying to start a family, even for women who don't have fertility problems.
Now I guess I'm part of the statistics reguarding miscarrying... what an odd way to look at it.
Well off I go to ponder... and wait to start bleeding. I wish it would just start so it could end.
I've wrapped my head around the situation in a healthy way. I have a lot going on in the next month or two so we'll be taking advantage of that and take a break from activley ttc with help.
That's all I got for now. Thanx for all the support ladies.
TTYS
XOXO
I'm guessing it's a chemical pregnancy due to the fact the numbers are going down, and I hope I just get a heavy period. I don't want a D&C, although that hasn't been suggested by the dr's, I've googled it and it sounds just horrible.
It's sad to know this baby would have completed our family, and now all the hopes that were built up so quickly have come crashing down. What a roller coaster of emotions this month after all the negative hpt's, then the low BETA'S. I'll be glad when its done. I'm tired of thinking about it to be honest.
I'm also glad that the universe didn't continue the pregnancy if there was chromosone problems, I wouldn't have wanted the baby to be born without a lung or with no limbs, that would have been cruel.
I am glad that the ppl we told have now been told I am miscarrying, cause let me tell you the thought of calling everyone and actually hearing them say 'I'm sorry' over and over again was hard. I didn't want to hear it. I don't want pitty either. This is all part of trying to start a family, even for women who don't have fertility problems.
Now I guess I'm part of the statistics reguarding miscarrying... what an odd way to look at it.
Well off I go to ponder... and wait to start bleeding. I wish it would just start so it could end.
I've wrapped my head around the situation in a healthy way. I have a lot going on in the next month or two so we'll be taking advantage of that and take a break from activley ttc with help.
That's all I got for now. Thanx for all the support ladies.
TTYS
XOXO
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