Bitter sweet

Thanx everyone for your wonderful comments. I appreciate it. I also appreciate you being open with your experiences, and sharing them with me. It really does help. I am still waiting for something to happen... I felt sick today, all day basically, but nothing else is happening.

I had fun with Maera, and ended up doing laundry aaaaall day. I went through all her clothes too and put them in the size appropriate boxes so it'll be easier for when she gets to those sizes. She learned how to talk (well you know, dadada mamama ect), into her toy microphone today. I also noticed that she's starting to be able to re-stack those rings on the ring toy. I'm so proud of her.

We're going to my brothers place this weekend for 4 days, and a wedding just an hour away from his place. I'm looking forward to the 'vacation'. It'll be nice to spend some time with him and my sis-in-law and neice. K, well that's about it for now. Thanx again everyone for your understanding!

TTYS
XOXO
P.S = below I have added how the miscarriage is effecting my emotions and such and will hopefully making it a daily blog, as this blog is a great healing tool. So don't feel obligated to read any further, its actually just for my own personal healing. But thanx for tunning in to the above!! And thanx again for your previous messages of support.





~~
After some pondering... how I'm truly feeling inside... (You may not want to read this.)

I believe things happen for a reason.
It takes a lot of the 'right things' to happen all at once to create life, trust me I know from experience! For those who believe it just happens, like la di da... you're 100% wrong. So ya, I'm a little pissed off that I am miscarrying. I'm angry because the universe can be cruel and things like this can happen.
This was supossed to complete my family... 9 months from now I am supossed to be holding a healthy, crying baby, wrapped in those hospital blankets, slowly attaching him/her to my breast to feed for the very first time as my husband and I fall in love with our second child. I'm supossed to be buying those cute shirts for Maera that say "I'm a big sister". I'm supossed to be calling mom and crying because I'm sooo tired, but smiling inside... always smiling... But nope... I guess not yet. I HATE waiting. And you know what REALLY sucks, is that now... NOW I have to WAIT to miscarry... what a sick joke! What a stupid sick joke!
I'm am also angry because now I have to spread my legs open and get injected with my husbands sperm from basically a total stranger, after taking foreign chemicals to MAKE my body do what its supossed to do and create an egg with which the sperm is supossed to unite and create life. Because I have something called PCOS things are a little more complicated. Lord knows how many more times I get to look forward to that in order to get pregnant. I sure wish it would 'just happen'. I'm sure there will be another time when I will get pregnant and have a healthy baby, but for right now... right this minute I'm pissed... and I'm aloud to be. Ya know I will work just as hard for our second child... and HAVE worked just as hard... and now I'm miscarrying it.
You know I am blessed to have Maera, and I don't need to be reminded of that at all. Everytime I look at her beautiful face I know how blessed I am. Everytime I change a stinky bum, or cuddle because she's fallen down after trying to stand up on her own, every night when I look in on her before my bed time... I love her with all my heart and that will never change. She took 6 long years of pokes, prods, 3 different sets of dr's, a dozen chemical cocktails and a lot of heartache, waiting, more waiting and yearning. I am glad I did it or she wouldnt be here; So Yes I know I am blessed. I just wish it was easier for me to get pregnant! I feel more blessed than I believe anyone else can understand... accept for those who have been where I have. I love her with every ounce of myself. And I remember when I was growing up what it was like to have my brothers to play with and hang out with, talk to if I needed it. There was always someone there for me, my age, David had the same thing... and we want that for Maera.
This misscarriage does NOT go along with my life plan. I was supossed to get pregnant before I went back to work in october, to collect enough hours to get back on MAT leave for when I gave birth. Maera would have had a sybling that was around her age... I would have had the baby before I hit 35. And in 5 years from now I could have started schooling for a career.

I guess its time to formulate a new plan...

Truly, right now my heart aches
~~~~~