If it doesn't rain it pours....

Well I miscarried, it started friday... had my BETA today and my level is at 0. I'm glad its done.
During my time away my mother had to call 911 for herself, she had rapid heartbeat again. Now she's on oxygen for the rest of her life. She'll now be moving in here so I can take care of her until she passes I guess. I'm so very sad, which makes what I'm feeling sound cheap. Part of me says I don't want to live the next chapter of my life. We knew it was coming... this part... but it doesn't make it any easier. And I have to be the strong one and take care of her, which I want to, because she took care of me. I just don't know how I'm going to handle things.
2 hrs later...
I just had a friend stop by for a coffee, she was helpful in helping me sort some things out in my brain. She's an old friend, actually we used to call each other sister because we grew up together. We just re-united when david and I moved back to town. I said that I felt bad because she came back into my life when the shits gunna hit the fan, and she laughed and said what are sister for. It's nice to know we can still talk like we used to... specially after a good 13-15 years. It's nice to be reconnecting with her.
I have much more I'de like to write about, but after my visit I'm feeling pretty good, so we'll leave that wound closed until it opens again.

That's it for now.
TTYS
XOXO

Today = Meh!

I think I'm getting more and more depressed as time goes on here. I'm doing my best to stay positive and keep myself busy until this is all over with. But today I found that I couldn't go onto my normal message boards to chat because I don't want to bombard them with my depression. There are a couple of the ladies who got bfp's the last two days, I am very happy for them, and I wish I could express it a little better, but I can't help but cry when I read their posts... because just last week I wrote the same post.
My mom called today, I usually talk to her every day, I missed yesterday and she ended up calling me today before I could call her. She wanted to know if I was okay... I just told her I was keeping myself busy. She asked if I started to bleed yet and I said no, she didn't really know what to say after that. I love my mom, she asks the right questions at the right time in the right tone. I should call her back again befor bed.
David will finally be home sometime tonight after being gone with work. It'll be nice to have him home. We leave tomorrow for our trip. I am looking forward to it, but the other part of me hopes I don't bleed now until I'm back home on sunday, I'de like to try and 'forget' for a day, at least for a nice visit and to enjoy the cousins wedding.
Today I did some house work, including de-weeding a small garden out front and the weeds from the sidewalk/driveway. Maera was outside with me in her bouncy thing and she was having a hoot, screaming and laughing and doing raspberries. She was funny with her feet on the grass, took her a minute to relax and start bouncing hehe. She's a sweetheart. And it was nice getting my hands in the earth, even if it was weeds hehe.

Well ladies, that's it for now. I won't be back now until sunday or monday. Take care

TTYS
XOXO

Bitter sweet

Thanx everyone for your wonderful comments. I appreciate it. I also appreciate you being open with your experiences, and sharing them with me. It really does help. I am still waiting for something to happen... I felt sick today, all day basically, but nothing else is happening.

I had fun with Maera, and ended up doing laundry aaaaall day. I went through all her clothes too and put them in the size appropriate boxes so it'll be easier for when she gets to those sizes. She learned how to talk (well you know, dadada mamama ect), into her toy microphone today. I also noticed that she's starting to be able to re-stack those rings on the ring toy. I'm so proud of her.

We're going to my brothers place this weekend for 4 days, and a wedding just an hour away from his place. I'm looking forward to the 'vacation'. It'll be nice to spend some time with him and my sis-in-law and neice. K, well that's about it for now. Thanx again everyone for your understanding!

TTYS
XOXO
P.S = below I have added how the miscarriage is effecting my emotions and such and will hopefully making it a daily blog, as this blog is a great healing tool. So don't feel obligated to read any further, its actually just for my own personal healing. But thanx for tunning in to the above!! And thanx again for your previous messages of support.





~~
After some pondering... how I'm truly feeling inside... (You may not want to read this.)

I believe things happen for a reason.
It takes a lot of the 'right things' to happen all at once to create life, trust me I know from experience! For those who believe it just happens, like la di da... you're 100% wrong. So ya, I'm a little pissed off that I am miscarrying. I'm angry because the universe can be cruel and things like this can happen.
This was supossed to complete my family... 9 months from now I am supossed to be holding a healthy, crying baby, wrapped in those hospital blankets, slowly attaching him/her to my breast to feed for the very first time as my husband and I fall in love with our second child. I'm supossed to be buying those cute shirts for Maera that say "I'm a big sister". I'm supossed to be calling mom and crying because I'm sooo tired, but smiling inside... always smiling... But nope... I guess not yet. I HATE waiting. And you know what REALLY sucks, is that now... NOW I have to WAIT to miscarry... what a sick joke! What a stupid sick joke!
I'm am also angry because now I have to spread my legs open and get injected with my husbands sperm from basically a total stranger, after taking foreign chemicals to MAKE my body do what its supossed to do and create an egg with which the sperm is supossed to unite and create life. Because I have something called PCOS things are a little more complicated. Lord knows how many more times I get to look forward to that in order to get pregnant. I sure wish it would 'just happen'. I'm sure there will be another time when I will get pregnant and have a healthy baby, but for right now... right this minute I'm pissed... and I'm aloud to be. Ya know I will work just as hard for our second child... and HAVE worked just as hard... and now I'm miscarrying it.
You know I am blessed to have Maera, and I don't need to be reminded of that at all. Everytime I look at her beautiful face I know how blessed I am. Everytime I change a stinky bum, or cuddle because she's fallen down after trying to stand up on her own, every night when I look in on her before my bed time... I love her with all my heart and that will never change. She took 6 long years of pokes, prods, 3 different sets of dr's, a dozen chemical cocktails and a lot of heartache, waiting, more waiting and yearning. I am glad I did it or she wouldnt be here; So Yes I know I am blessed. I just wish it was easier for me to get pregnant! I feel more blessed than I believe anyone else can understand... accept for those who have been where I have. I love her with every ounce of myself. And I remember when I was growing up what it was like to have my brothers to play with and hang out with, talk to if I needed it. There was always someone there for me, my age, David had the same thing... and we want that for Maera.
This misscarriage does NOT go along with my life plan. I was supossed to get pregnant before I went back to work in october, to collect enough hours to get back on MAT leave for when I gave birth. Maera would have had a sybling that was around her age... I would have had the baby before I hit 35. And in 5 years from now I could have started schooling for a career.

I guess its time to formulate a new plan...

Truly, right now my heart aches
~~~~~

21 dpo BETA

Well, I am definatley going to miscarry, it's in the works now. My HCG level was at 38.4 today... I hope it goes quickly so I can move on. I know that may sound cold to some, but I would rather it be over with now.
I'm guessing it's a chemical pregnancy due to the fact the numbers are going down, and I hope I just get a heavy period. I don't want a D&C, although that hasn't been suggested by the dr's, I've googled it and it sounds just horrible.
It's sad to know this baby would have completed our family, and now all the hopes that were built up so quickly have come crashing down. What a roller coaster of emotions this month after all the negative hpt's, then the low BETA'S. I'll be glad when its done. I'm tired of thinking about it to be honest.
I'm also glad that the universe didn't continue the pregnancy if there was chromosone problems, I wouldn't have wanted the baby to be born without a lung or with no limbs, that would have been cruel.
I am glad that the ppl we told have now been told I am miscarrying, cause let me tell you the thought of calling everyone and actually hearing them say 'I'm sorry' over and over again was hard. I didn't want to hear it. I don't want pitty either. This is all part of trying to start a family, even for women who don't have fertility problems.
Now I guess I'm part of the statistics reguarding miscarrying... what an odd way to look at it.
Well off I go to ponder... and wait to start bleeding. I wish it would just start so it could end.
I've wrapped my head around the situation in a healthy way. I have a lot going on in the next month or two so we'll be taking advantage of that and take a break from activley ttc with help.
That's all I got for now. Thanx for all the support ladies.

TTYS
XOXO

19dpo BETA :(

Well I went for my third BETA today and it's not looking so good.

15dpo - 34.4
17dpo - 50.3
19dpo - 57.4 :(

They want me in for another test monday but I'm starting to lose hope. I'm pretty bummed out to say the least. The number should have doubled, or at least gone up another 60%.

TTYS
XOXO

17dpo

- oh the nausea!
- fatigue!
- cramping

Second BETA was in the 50's. DH took the call and didn't 'remember' the exact number. DOH! So I'll call tomorrow and get it. They did say the number was good but if I was feeling unsure I could go back for another BETA to re-assure myself. So I'm gunna take them up on that offer. I'll go back saturday for another blood draw.
They said they'd call to book my first U/S!!!! YAAAAY! :):):) I can't wait to hear the babies heartbeat!

TTYS
XOXO

16dpo

- Some cramping, tightening and full feeling in abdomin
- I've been tired
- heartburn isn't as bad as it was

When I told DH we were pregnant, he said "I told you not to pee on those damn sticks! They do nothing good for couples like us!" He's very very happy. We giggled together and smiled and laughed. Then he left for work :(. He'll be back tomorrow morning, which is good cause the basement flooded! He thinks its a problem with plumbing in the basement. I hope we don't have to pay for it. Argh!
I have to go for tonight, have to wake up at 6am and leave by 7:30am to pick mum up, then go for BETA, then back to town to take her to visit Dad, get a haircut and goto the doctors, then I have to drive her back to her city. lol, gunna be a busy day!

I'll catch up on your blogs tomorrow evening! :)

TTYS
XOXO

15dpo, BETA test

IS POSITIVE HOLY SHIT!!!!!

34.4, I go back thursday for the next BETA!!! WOOHOO!!!

OMG - You should always listen to your guts. I totally thought I was pregnant, those damn pee sticks SUCK!!! I can't believe it, well I can... but YAAAAY! I'm not going crazy!!! :):):):):):):):) David and I are SUPER SUPER HAPPY!!!
That's all I can really say right now...
Oh EDD is April 25th, 2010 :):):):):)

TTYS
XOXO

14 dpo

No AF yet, but have had cramping & heartburn. Haven't gone for my BETA. I guess I will tomorrow so they have it on file, that way I can let them know we're taking a break as well.
Talked at, not to my BIL today. He actually stopped by. I told him how I felt, he was so pissed he walked out of the house, which is fine. He was actually speechless, specially when I told him his brother loved him and maybe he should treat him with the same respect back. Hope David's not gunna be pissed, but what's done is done and I feel a hell of a lot better!
I do want to move though. That way the house can't be 'held over our heads'by his brother anymore. There will be some changes around here now. I'm not gunna take their crap anymore. I'll move back to London, I wouldn't mind. I work there anyways, and so does David.
Apparently the neighbours house was broken into... at 4am. While they and their 2 kids were sleeping. Yep... whoever it was cut one of the screens out in the backyard in an X and crawled right in. Apparently their golden lab didn't bark or nothing... the perp's stole their wallets, and the jeep which s/he had to open the garage for. Hmm.. Sounds like the person who did it knows them, cause they knew where to go to get everything and the dog didn't bark at all. they're lucky they didn't get injured or anything, or the kids.
I'm greatful to have locks on my windows...

TTYS
XOXO

13 dpo

Well no AF yet, but I have had af like cramping and such. Had heartburn, little bit of nausea. Been tired the last 2 days as well. It was nice not to stress over hpt's today though. I'm supossed to go tomorrow to get my BETA done, but I think I'm going to wait until tuesday as it's just more convenient for me, I'll have gas money then, we're brooooke lol.

BIL/Family Rant:
When we moved in to this house, my BIL was moving out and left a crap load of garbage in the driveway, a bunch of his stuff in the house, hadn't cleaned the house in a VERY VERY long time (I'm not over exagerating, it was discusting!), and he left this huge ugly rusted metal storage container next to the garage. Now we live in a nice neighbourhood, and we've had a few neighbours complain about the bin and we've been trying to get him to have it removed. he keeps giving us excuses as to why its not moved, and keeps pulling a better than thow attitude with David. (lots of other stuff to which I won't get into). So today I finally had enough when David asked him again about the storage container, BIL said "Well I own the house...". K, but if he were to just rent this place to someone else, he would have had to clean up his own garbage, pack ALL of his shit AND get rid of that fugly bin... Anyways, I called him and asked him to come over to pick up some mail we had for them and told him I wanted to talk to him... I waited outside for 45 minutes, he was a no show. He was going to stop by before work and never did. What a prick! Wait til I do get to talk to him. Gawd he frustrates me!!! Hmm, one would think he knew what I was going to say... something like this "stop treating this house and us like your personal garbage dump... " I seriously think he knew what he was in for.
K had to get that off my chest.
I'm going to bed now...

TTYS
XOXO

12dpo and Anniversary!

Still a bfn, I'm not testing anymore. I go monday for BETA. I'm hoping AF gets here early so I can just put the rest of the emotions behind me. I'm so confused as to why it didn't work. I had great symptoms, my temps have been and are still up. I had 2 follies, I surged on my own and everything. We bd'd at the right time and had an IUI, so I dunno...
I have lots to concentrate on for the next couple months anyways, so I guess the break comes at a good time. I have Maera's surgery, my brothers wedding, Maera's 1st bday, Halloween... I'm also going back to work so it'll give me a chance to get into the swing of that.
Had a friend babysit last night so David and I could go on a date. Its our anniversary tomorrow, he's had to put up with me for 7 years so far! Hehe We still love each other lots, so we must be doing something right! :)

TTYS
XOXO

11dpo

Just a quick update - I did a digital test with second urine this morning and it said 'no', lol. So I guess the other test I'm looking at with the "+" is a false positive. Yep I'm devistated, I had great hopes for this cycle. My temp's are up and everything... but I don't think its going to work out for me. The test I took was a First Response, it picks up some rediculously low amount of hcg miu's... so I'de say I'm not pregnant.
Gotta go for now. TTYS

10dpo

- heartburn like mad the last week or so, damn!
- nausea
- I've been really happy, like to the point of crying at silly things.
- temp was up
- I tested... I watched the urine cross the test line and it actually changed to blue at the edge, right away. But that's it, just the very edge of the test line, very VERY thin line. And the blue dye tests are nutorious for false positives, so I still don't know what to think. Now that it's been there all day, there's no mistaking the think blue line... But I still don't know...
I think I'm driving my husband mad with all these hpt's lol. I'm so getting one of those digital tests tomorrow.

TTYS
XOXO

9dpo and other stuff

So today I took maera to the pediatric surgeon to see about the bump over her eye and found out its called a facial dermoid cyst (bump over her left eye). They'll be removing it on september 22nd. I'm scared of my mind cause they have to put her under and she's only gunna be 10 months old. I know they know what they're doing but she's still my baby, ya know? I just gotta act like nothings wrong when I take Maera, cause I don't want her feeding off my stress. I think it will go okay. I'm going to bring her stuffed elephant with us, that way its there for her when she wakes up.
I bumped my return to work date to oct 3rd, that way I can be here for Maera. And that's the official end to my MAT leave anyways.

9dpo
- nausea, heartburn
- temp is still above coverline
- negative hpt X3 Uhg! I'm slowly losing hope cause I got a positive test with Maera at 9dpo, so now I'm feeling down... argh.

TTYS
XOXO

8dpo & updated pic's of Maera!

Here's my little princess. She's pulling herself up on things now, she's in the 95% for hieght, which means she'll be the tallest in her class in school probably. We expected that!! :):)







I love my baby girl!!! :):) I'm already thinking of ideas for her first birthday bash for oct 30th!! :):)

8dpo symptoms?
- temp is still above coverline
- had some tightening in abdomin and a burning type feeling
- heartburn, back ache
- I tested, waaaay to early I know, it was bfn. I remain positive for a successful cycle! :) I guess we'll find out in a few days!

TTYS
XOXO

7dpo

- some cramping
- heartburn
- temp's good!

That's about it! lol

TTYS
XOXO

6dpo

- Sore back
- have had heartburn for the last few days as well
- emotional
- soome light cramping (nothing much realy
- temp is above coverline still

TTYS
XOXO

5dpo

- temp is above coverline
- had some cramping, tightening in abdomin
- nausea (which could be due to the long drive today but ya never know)
- tender breasts
- little emotional

TTYS
XOXO

4dpo

- some cm
- some cramping
- temp went up to 36.9 which is good.
- tender breasts
- peeing more
- vivid dreams

I have an early morning and long day tomorrow, take care for now ladies

TTYS
XOXO

3dpo

Just a quick one tonight...
-cm - still have some lotion like cm
-cramping
-Temp isn't below my cover line on fertility friend, but its not high either so who knows.!
Heading out for now

TTYS
XOXO

2dpo, 3dpo

Hi ladies.
Well not to much is happening really, some cramping on 2dpo, but not much really. Today I had some lotion like discharge (sorry tmi) and I felt a little swollen inside. My back has been sore and so have my breasts (really bad). That can be attributed to not breastfeeding Maera anymore as well... the milk may still be dispating.
I hate 2ww LOL. It's as bad as the wait at the end of pregnancy for something to happen!
Had a nice day out with mom.
We're really broke, it would be nice to hit the lottery... buuuuuut ya know that's not gunna happen hehe. I hate being stressed out about money. argh.
Off to bed, coffee with dad tomorrow. Take care ladies!

TTYS
XOXO

1dpo

I surged on my own!!! I went for an iui this morning, we bd'd two night ago, my surge was yesterday, I had to follies, so I think our basis are covered for this cycle! So here I am again on the 2ww!
It was the other Dr that did this iui, it wasn't the nurse!! Although I like her, she's done 2 other iui's for me and both failed so... I'm glad it was the Dr.
I've had cramps on and off all day, which is good cause I had them with Maera as well... but not the other 2 iui's.
This is our last chance for a few months cause I go back to work sept 8th. And can't really go back and ask for time off to get pregnant again hehe. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Off I go for tonight,
TTYS
XOXO