I just really want to enjoy life, and I can't. I think I am going to call the dr and see about anti depressants for a little while. Everything feels uncertain... I've been trying to make changes, but not much seems to be going my way. Walls pop up everytime I try moving forward.
I have had 7 days this month without a period or spotting, my period came 3 seperate times... knowing my luck it's something really bad, cause I can't seem to catch a break. I go tomorrow for blood work to check my hormones. I was thinking about getting my diabeties test done as well, cause I am probably most likely diabetic.
We can't seem to catch up on bills, creditors call, and we're behind on everything. We have no real money for 'fun'. Haven't even baught Maera a new toy in a very long time... I feel really bad for that. I know she's not suffering or anything, but still. Id'e like to buy her a little something.
DH hasn't and doesn't make any real steps towards getting through all our things and throwing stuff we don't need out, like I'm supossed to do it all. We have to much junk and not enough space! I feel like I'm gunna snap.
My brothers are both going through some really rough emotional things, and because mom's gone, I've taken 'her place' type thing. I'm cool with being relied on and am happy they can both come to me, but I'm feeling overwhelmed right now.
I got through all of mom's things and sent them to their appropriate places, so that's taken care of, and that was hard. I did it all in a week... it was a hard week last week.
I feel like I haven't smiled in months, like truly actually smiled... with acception to the cute things Maera says and does. I do my best to stay energetic and happy for her, and she seems to be fine, I just wish I knew what I wanted and had a plan layed down for my future.
I've been wanting to take the dog grooming course and can't because I don't have the money. $6200 before taxes. I emailed the guy and he responded yestday to say he didn't think OSAP funded courses less than 12 weeks long... so here I sit working part time, making minimum wage at the dollar store.
Every little thing seems to get to me ten fold... and I know its because I'm depressed, but if things would just start working out for me, life would be much better.
Sorry I don't really have anything positive to say, but that's why I stopped posting here, because things are just relaly hard right now.
Anyways, that's a quick update, and when I get a new camera I'll post updated pic's of Maera.
That's it for now.

XOXO

wowsers

Hi ladies. Thanx for all your condolences and thoughts reguarding my mother. I appreciate it. Things have been really hectic, lots going on. Trying to take care of estate things, she didn't actually complete the will, so that made everything just that much more difficult.
Friday I did a hpt and it came back a very faint positive, so I did two more, this time first response, they came back light positive... so today I went and got a BETA, and it was 11, so it's low low low, probably a chemical pregnancy. I don't know what cd I'm on either... I am sitting staring at the pregnancy tests and can't believe they show positive and I know that my level is 11... it was like a gift from my mother, I conceived a week or so after her passing... its really sad that things aren't going my way.
Things have been sad, and depressing really, like there's a black cloud hanging over our heads, I really thought it had lifted once I found out I was pregnant, but apparently not... just another thunderbolt of lightening to strike me down.
When things get a little more positive I'll come back with another update and check in on everyone else.

April 8th at 6:44am

I rec'd a call from Sakura House to tell me that mom had passed away. May she rest in the peace I know she finally got after her long battle with cancer.
I've taken care of funeral arrangments, and will be going with them tomorrow when they take mom to be cremated. I have to puyrchase her plot as well.
I'm doing my best to stay strong for everyone, but now its time to relax and take time for me.
My God I'm going to miss calling her, hearing her voice, and listening to her complain *grin*. I love you mom, you're my hero.
That's all I got for now.
Thanx for your continued support everyone.

Much love,
TTYS
XOXO

Just sad

Today I'm sad. I go on wednesday to the funeral home to make arrangements for mom's funeral for when she passes away. Her pain is increasing and they're giving her a morphine pump to help control the pain. She's getting confused every morning now.
Today I was the only one she would see. I went for my visit and took her outside to feel the wind in her hair. We sat outside for about 10 minutes and I helped her back to bed, it was good to get her out of her room though.
I'm so very tired and sad today. It's hard to be strong for everyone else when you are having a hard time be strong for yourself. I guess I'm entitled to a day or two like this.
Anyways, that's all I've got in me today. Hope you're all well.

TTYS
XOXO

if it doesn`t rain... get ready for this...

So mom came home from ICU, for a day and a half... I found her again at 4:45am and she wouldn't rowse for me. She had mucus coming from her nose and mouth, her ears and fingers were blue. They weren't sure if they could revive her this time. They put her back on life support and she did start breathing on her own again. But ended up having a couple of seizures and a lot of memory loss. She lost all ability to feed herself and we couldn't really carry on a conversation with her because she wasn't making any sense when she spoke. She referred to things like violet and red and just odd things. It's been such an emotional and stresseful two weeks.
She's stable now and we can carry on a conversation with her, she's eating on her own. She still isn't able to get out of bed unassisted. She's presently in Paliative care at the hospital.
Tomorrow David and I are going to a place called Sakura House. Toyota donated it to VON. It's a million dollar home that houses 10 rooms for palliative care patients. They're goal is to give quality of life for there patients. I guess they're like little apartments, they even have decks for the patients to sit out on. Tv's, love seat & sofa, all the makings of your own apartment. Plus if mom wanted me to stay over night I could because there's a guest pull out bed. They have doctors and nurses on staff as well. She's already been accepted I believe so the head nurse at the hospital just needs me to confirm mom's wishes. So I told mom I would take pictures to show her.
Today I had to explain to my mom why she was were she was at (palliative care). Now we've explained this to her a few time over the course of the last 2 weeks, but this time I think she understands better.
I`ve had to have some pretty hard conversations with mom over the last week imparticular. The first one was if she wanted to be resesitated if this happens again, which she doesn`t... we also had to go over her will and where she wanted her things to go... and today I had to explain to her for the 4th-5th time what happened over the course of the last two weeks. Today was hard because I basically had to say to her that her lungs are dieing and her body is losing its drive to breath... I told her that if she was to come home things would end quickly because I can`t monitor her oxygen level and her blood sugars and all the other stuff the hospital or Sakura house can monitor. I talked to her on the phone tonight, she`s been feeling more pain in her back, because this cancer pulls the scar tissue from her previous operations... so they gave her a shot of morphine. So she`s feeling not so bad tonight... well physically anyways.
I haven`t been able to bring Maera up to see her because Maera caught bronchitis and strep throat in the middle of all this. So she`s on meds.
My back went out... I seen the chiropractor and he helped a lot... but then my mom went into the hospital the second time and I pinched the L or p5 nerve in my back... I was in so much pain all I could do was cry... my right leg went numb and I couldn`t control the muscles. I went to the hospital and they shot me up with two different drugs, then some morphine afterwards... and now I`m on celebrex until the chiropractor can fix me. I can move my leg now, but don`t have a lot of strength in it, and it`s still numb.
So much is up in the air right now with everything. I was thinking and I don`t know what to do with myself because mom`s not home... I have Maera... but now I`m confused about my own personal journey. I want another baby, and this should happen before I hit the big 35 in Nov.. although its not going to happen I would stil make it as close to that as possible. I also want to goto school and get my dog grooming lisence. But the school here in town isn`t holding any classes until next year. I have so many things going through my mind... everything feels so up in the air. I am missing my mom... and I am very sad that we are losing her... Maera won`t have a granny when mom passes as we lost David`s mom to cancer 3 yrs ago.
Anyways, that`s all I got in me tonight ladies.

Thankyou for all the kind comments and support. I love you all.

TTYS
XOXO

ICU & LIfe support

Not so good time for mom the last couple days. I woke up yesterday to find her laying on the floor and she wouldn't wakeup for me. She fell at the end of her bed. I called 911 and they couldn't wake her either. She ended up on life support yesterday and they finally removed it today. There has been problems with her oxygen v/s Co2 levels, along with aaaall the drugs she's on and the growths in her lungs. SHe barley has enough room to breathe to begin with, that coupled with all the narcotis she's on and the rather high Co2 level her body requires in order to breath, life has been hard for her.
Today we were able to talk and she was co-herant ect. I was very afraid it was me giving her the wrong amount of drugs, but it wasn't... they just had prescribed to many for her. It really makes me mad too, because mom and I inquired 3 times as to why she was on so many pain killers and such to 2 different dr's, we wanted to take some of them away. But the dr's give you excuses like, oh I can't make any changes to drugs I didn't perscribe, or you have to take that in order to counteract the side effects from this other drugs... its rediculous! Now look at what happened!
Things haven't been looking so hot for her the last couple days. So I'm hoping she gets some better news tomorrow. I hope she can continue to breath on her own. I'm afraid to have her home in the condition she's in now. I'm thankful they're keeping her for 2-3 more days. They told her it was because she 'needed the IV for 2-3 more days'. She's happy with that ... so, so am I lol.
I'll be calling community care access to come in and do her drugs from now on, and to help out that way I won't feel so responsible for things tat aren't my fault the next time this happens. I don't really know when she's coming home, or if she can come home, but those are the plans.

Sorry, but that's all the energy I've got for tonight. Things have been very stressful so OI'm gunna goto bed early tonight. I'll update again as soon as I get a chance.

TTYS
XOXO

Annnd I'm back! LOL

Hi ppl's, if you still check if I'm alive over here. I know it's been a while, but things have been rather hectic. Lots has changed in my life, and lots of adjustments.


Well, mom moved in, and we moved Doug and Micheline into their new place, everyone seems cozy now lol. Mom started her radiation treatments 3 weeks ago, so I've been very busy with driving her back and forth for that. She's doing very well with her treatments. We go every day of the week, it's a 3 hour round trip, with the acception of once a week where we stay to visit with the radiation Dr. Those days are a lot longer. They are fabulous at the London Cancer clinic though, and are really good with answering questions.



The radiation is shrinking the spot on her back, but that's the only place they can radiate, cause apparently ya can't do radiation on the lungs. So we had our appointment with the chemo specialist last week... found out that mums cancer is so rare that out of the 5000 new patients they get a year, 1-6 ppl have what she does... wow eh? So they're still learning about her type of cancer. But the promising thing is that they can hopefully stop the growth with Alieve and another Estrogen blocking medication. If that doesn't work then they can do Chemo, but it takes a long time for that to kick in and start possibly shrinking these things.

So I quite my job in Jan, mom asked if I could stay home if she increased what she was paying for 'rent'. I spoke with David and he agreed it would be best. We didn't like how Maera was reacting to not being around us as well. That's another story in itself. So I've been the perverberal house wife since then. It was really hard at the beginning to get into the groove of being home again. I worked 4 months, a 2 hour commute daily for both Maera and I, plus a 7 hour shift, then home to cook supper ect ect. Now I know a lot of women do this and they're okay with it, but for me I was tired all the time, and din't have the energy in the evening for maera like I wanted too. Plus helping mom and doing housework on top of all that was not so good. Things are still really busy with driving back and forth daily for mom's apointments, but its different because I don't have to drop Maera off at someones house every day and worry about her well being. I have time to do housework... well the last week has been difficult because apointment times have been in the middle of the day.

Now, how have I been doing with all this change? Well for the most part I'm okay with it. Money is an issue, although it always has been, and probably always will be, because we never seem to have enough of it lol. Not even when I was working. I kinda feel like I've put all my dreams and personal goals on the back shelf for other ppl, and It is bothering me more and more. I really want to get my grooming lisence, but can't because I have not time right now. Although that will be changing in a couple weeks, it's a 6 wk course and I have to be able to pay for a sitter, which runs $30/day. I don't think the gov't will pay for that and my course. I like being home and I like that I can be there for other ppl, but sometimes I feel like what Jenn wants, gets lost in the shuffle.

Now David says he does want another child, but we're back to the money issue and the time to get the procedures done that we need in order to get pregnant again, and we're on a time limit here. I'll be 35 in nov, and I know my chances go down a percentage even more... no preassure though lol. So I'm confused about a lot of things right now and am trying to keep my head straight on things.

I'm gunna take some time over the next few days and see if I can catch up with all of your blogs... It's difficult to get time along when mom's up and David's home and Maera's up... Everyone seems to require my 100% attention. Now Maera I of course don't mind lol, but I mean the adults should understand I need a few minutes alone, without someone looking over my shoulder and expecting something of me. So I'll get to each of you shortly. I hope you've all been well.

TTYL
XOXO